Bitcoin Miners Losing Millions—So They Try Their Luck With AI 🤖💸

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Oh, what a time to be a Bitcoin miner in the early 21st century! Allow me to draw back the velvet curtain on the latest theatrical mishap starring Bitfarms, that tireless troupe of digital pick-axe wielders, who managed to conjure a rather spectacular first-quarter net loss: $36 million, no less! (Last year’s loss, a paltry $6 million, now trots behind in shame like a forgotten stagehand—how quickly things escalate when technology meets destiny and a hapless accountant or two.)

The stage wasn’t entirely bereft of triumph: sales swelled to a spirited $67 million, 33% higher than the previous act. Yet, tragedy swiftly followed. Picture Bitfarms’ gross profit margins tumbling from a plump 63% to a starved 43%, as if struck by some invisible economic cholera. The culprit? None other than the infamous “halving”—an event that slashes Bitcoin rewards with the cold efficiency of a Moscow barber in winter. And if that weren’t enough, Bitcoin’s price flitted about the stage: over $100,000 in January, then collapsing under $80,000 by March, leaving spectators (and shareholders) with whiplash. As of March 14: $103,000! Someone fetch a fainting couch. 😵‍💫

Pivot to AI

Cornered like a magician with his last pigeon, Bitfarms is now hedging bets and chasing the new magic of “high-performance computing.” AI is the new black, or at least, the new Bitcoin. The company has even expanded into the United States—because what better place for a bold new act than in the land of trade wars and hedge funds?

“During the quarter, we executed across several key areas in our strategic pivot to the U.S. and HPC,” declared CEO Ben Gagnon, presumably while twirling a cane and doffing his hat. Apparently, the mining business now “provides a stable, low-capex and free cash flow foundation”—which is executive-speak for “we are desperately hoping AI pays better than digital gold mining.”

According to some wise scholars at Coin Metrics (likely wearing spectacles and a haunted look), miners are scrambling into AI data-center hosting. Why? Because if your expensive, fire-breathing computers can’t unearth Satoshi’s treasure, they might at least crunch numbers for an algorithm or two. Same hardware, more hope, less dust. 🦾

One might scoff, but the AI gold rush is real: CoreWeave, a provider of computational sorcery, recently raised $1.5 billion at a $20 billion valuation. Investors: easily excited, easily parted from their gold. CoreWeave’s own earnings are due to drop on May 14, though whether they’ll feature profit or tragedy no one can yet say.

In April, Bitfarms nabbed a $300 million line of credit from Macquarie, the sort of sum that makes a miner’s shovel look like a mere teaspoon. All this in service of a new HPC palace in Pennsylvania! And, in January, they even sold off a Paraguayan mining facility for $85 million to a competitor (one can only imagine the negotiations: “Here, have our pickaxe, ours seems a bit unlucky”).

Next act: bit miners pirouetting in the ballet of global finance, with AI replacing Bitcoin as their fickle muse. Will fortune smile? Will the curtain fall? Stay tuned—or bring popcorn.

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2025-05-15 00:28