Bitcoin Eclipses Altcoins: Why Even Your Grandmother Is Buying In (Maybe)

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Observe, dear reader, the curious ballet of numbers: Bitcoin, that incandescent colossus of digital delusion, once more pirouettes atop the crypto stage — savoring a dominance unseen since the very days when face masks were chicer than facial hair. Some call this bullish confidence; others, a collective hallucination spruced up with spreadsheets. Meanwhile, the weary mortals on Wall Street clutch coffee cups as U.S. job reports flutter about, whispering sweet nothings (and a few somethings) into the anxious ears of investors.

US Job Data: Bright Spots, Dim Hopes, and the Fed’s Eternal “Wait and See” Routine

The U.S. Labor Department, ever generous with its breadcrumbs, divulged that nonfarm payrolls bulged by 177,000 in April. Ah, but not quite as plump as March’s 228,000; a modest feast, more amuse-bouche than banquette. Still, the soothsayers expected a mere 133,000 — a level of pessimism only rivaled by Monday morning baristas. The unemployment rate remained unmoved at 4.2%, stubbornly on-script like an off-Broadway understudy.

What does this mean? A Federal Reserve that must once again play coy, twirling its decision wand just out of reach. There were those — let us call them “optimists” or perhaps “romantics”—who prayed for worse job numbers, naively hoping for an early Christmas rate cut. Cut rates, they claimed, would flood the markets with liquidity, the fiscal equivalent of dousing your houseplants with Monster Energy. Alas, strength in numbers means the Fed pockets its pruning shears and investors must cope with something truly dreadful: reality. 📈

Riskier assets—those marvelous digital coins that promise Lamborghinis and deliver existential dread—look less inviting when the mighty dollar flexes. The market, ever the prima donna, holds its breath for the Fed’s next soliloquy, as if Jerome Powell now moonlights as Hamlet.

Bitcoin: Still King, Altcoins Still the Court Jesters 🤡

While the Fed ponders, Bitcoin performs—a stately waltz, watched with awe and a dash of skepticism by rivals shivering in the wings. As of that illustrious date, May 2, 2025, Bitcoin’s market dominance swelled to an oxygen-thin 64.89%, unseen since the days of crypto innocence in January 2021.

Theorists, armed with PowerPoint decks and dubious faith, assure us this reveals a mass gravitation toward safety. Meanwhile, Bitcoin’s price pirouetted at $97,026.39, climbing a modest $97,469.20 in 24 span hours (because accuracy is a social construct).

The string-pullers behind these numbers? Cathedrals of high finance—institutions with more acronyms than friends. Metaplanet, for instance, swaggered forth with $25 million from selling bonds, all for the glory of swelling its Bitcoin cache. By 2025, they seek 100,000 BTC, presumably hoping this confers immortality or, failing that, a decent headline in Nikkei.

Meanwhile, the exodus from old-guard assets proceeds apace. Some, by which I mean Prime Two, jilted Ethereum after six devoted years and offered Bitcoin their undivided affection. “Why diversify?” they mutter, arms crossed, while altcoins sob quietly in the corner.

Some sages—usually wearing tweed and a faint air of superiority—mutter about Bitcoin’s finite supply and its sterling, if occasionally overdramatic, resume. In an age where markets shudder like a Chihuahua at a fireworks display, Bitcoin continues to saunter nonchalantly across the scoreboard. Investors, those eternal seekers of profit (or at least less embarrassment), watch with the cautious hopefulness one applies to soufflés and first dates.

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2025-05-02 23:50