Right, so apparently, a crypto analyst – and I use the term “analyst” loosely, because who really knows what they’re doing with magic internet money? 🤷♂️ – is warning that Bitcoin, that digital gold we all simultaneously understand and don’t, is teetering on the edge of a “sudden collapse.” Sudden, eh? As opposed to a gradual, polite decline?
This sage, known only as Crypto Capo – because anonymity is key when you’re making pronouncements about the future of finance from your mom’s basement – has taken to Telegram, that bastion of reasoned discourse and investment advice, to inform his 121,953 subscribers (bless their optimistic souls 🙏) that Bitcoin could, potentially, maybe, collapse by a whopping 34%. That’s like losing a third of your imaginary fortune! 💸
But fear not, dear reader! Because before this catastrophic plummet, Bitcoin will, according to Capo, first head higher. Yes, you read that right. Up before it goes way, way down. It’s the rollercoaster of emotions, only with more confusing jargon and less safety netting. 🎢
“Shorting here makes no sense at all. I’ll be looking at the $94,000-$95,000 zone for potential shorts, but for now, the smart move is staying net long.”
If you can decipher his chart – and let’s be honest, who can? 🤔 – Bitcoin might, after a brief flirtation with $98,000, plunge dramatically to a measly $60,000. Think of the horror! The humanity! The missed opportunities to buy more avocado toast! 🥑
As of this very moment, Bitcoin is trading at $91,690, a 5.1% increase in the last 24 hours. So, you know, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a lift with a motivational speaker. 😬
And now, for something completely different! Our anonymous guru is also feeling rather bullish – which, in crypto-speak, means “optimistic, but only until I change my mind” – about Ethena (ENA). Ethena, you see, is a “synthetic dollar protocol built on Ethereum (ETH).” Which sounds impressive, until you realize it’s all made up of computer code and hopeful thinking. 💻
“I consider ENA a mid-term investment. That’s why I’m just holding it until August-September (subject to change/ adaptation). We can see how it has formed a massive range. Bearish trend is very oversold here, so a bounce to $0.50-$0.55 keeps making sense. After that, we could see the last capitulation event I’ve been talking about previously. If that happens, I will buy more. If not, just hold.”
ENA, at the time of writing, is worth a princely $0.30, up 6% in the last day. So, clearly, the synthetic dollar protocol is doing… something. Probably. 🤷
Finally, we have Toncoin (TON), a “layer-1 asset.” This sounds vaguely like something you’d find in a geological survey, but it’s actually another cryptocurrency. This one, according to our oracle, might rally to $4.58 before taking a nosedive to around $2.10. Buckle up! 🎢
“Very clean setup, matching with the rest of the market.”
TON is currently trading at $3, a 2.9% increase. So, there you have it. The future of finance, as predicted by someone on Telegram. Good luck with that! 🤞
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2025-04-23 10:22