Arkham Uncovers 87% of MicroStrategy’s Bitcoin – Because Privacy Is Overrated? 🚀

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In a stunning display of digital detective work, Blockchain analysis company Arkham Intelligence has announced it has somehow, against all odds, uncovered a whopping 87% of Strategy’s Bitcoin holdings—because apparently privacy is just a fancy word for “hide everything from everyone, including yourself.” 🎩💰

In a move that screams “I know your secrets,” Arkham showcased its prowess by revealing a cache of 70,816 BTC linked to Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy). At current meltdown prices, that’s roughly $7.6 billion—enough money to buy yourself a small country, or at least a very fancy yacht. 🚢

Arkham boldly claims it has traced most of Strategy’s Bitcoin stash, making it the first entity brave enough (or reckless enough) to connect these wallets publicly. The total valuation? An eye-watering $54.5 billion—because, why not boast about the size of your digital wallet while you’re at it?

“Saylor said he would never reveal his addresses,” Arkham chuckled, “so we did it for him. Because that’s what friends are for.” This revelation suggests they’ve mapped out most of Strategy’s treasure, which, if true, puts them in the enviable position of being the digital equivalent of a gotcha postcard. 📬

CryptoMoon endeavored to get some words from both Arkham and Strategy, but unfortunately, all they received was the silent shruggie of the cryptocurrency void.

Strategy’s Chairman: “Publishing Wallets Is Like Walking Around Naked in a Glass House”

Saylor, the grandmaster of “don’t tell anyone,” warned at the Bitcoin 2025 conference in Las Vegas that sharing wallet addresses might be the equivalent of leaving your front door wide open—and maybe doing a little dance in the doorway while you’re at it. 🕺🔓

He warned that making wallets public invites every future transaction to be scrutinized with the enthusiasm of a bored forensic analyst—potentially exposing the company to risks it prefers to keep under the digital carpet.

In a masterstroke of technology foresight, Saylor suggested that even AI would get tired of pondering this security mess, suggesting it could spout “50 pages” of security issues if prompted about the perils of public wallets. Because nothing says “trust me” like AI-generated security panic. 🤖

Mistaken Identity? Arkham’s Wallet Labeling Sparks Controversy

Of course, in the world of blockchain, everything is public, but not everything is accurate. Prior incidents saw Arkham accused of labeling wallets incorrectly—because sometimes, it’s easier to guesstimate than to be right.

During the Mantra token fiasco, CEO John Mullin denied insiders were dumping tokens, then promptly blamed Arkham for mislabeling wallets—because in crypto-land, loyalty is as fragile as a jenga tower. 🏗️

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2025-05-29 13:15