The Men of The Valley, Ranked From Bad to Worst

by

Observing “The Valley” is similar to strolling through an expansive garden filled with every variety of indigenous jerkweed. Here, we see a Jesse blossom at its peak, using offensive language toward his ex-spouse, reminiscent of a sex worker. Here, we find a Jason flower fully facing the Janet sun. Here, there’s a prickly, overgrown Jax weed, depleting the nutrients from neighboring flowers and then questioning why they didn’t care for it during its rehab period. Isn’t that fascinating? (Nature, I mean)

In my perspective as a film critic, I ponder: Will these morally questionable characters escape unscathed, much like their disreputable ancestors? Alternatively, will the mastermind behind the scenes (Andy Cohen) hold them accountable for their transgressions under the glaring spotlight of the notorious reunion semicircle? Shall we rank them from least to most reprehensible to determine who might find themselves on the chopping block?

12.
Luke Broderick

If you check the definition of “lawful neutral” in a dictionary, it might depict Luke with his rosy cheeks and innocent appearance. When the group arrived in Santa Barbara, and their van began to smoke on the way to a vineyard, Luke was the one who stepped out, opened the hood, and spoke authoritatively about car components. He meticulously organized an entire surprise proposal for his unpredictable fiancée, only getting flustered once and wandering around the hotel in his underwear. And if dressing up in a tight sailor suit is against the law, then just stick a cowboy hat on my head and put me on a horse, because I’m ready to break the rules now.

11.
Tom Schwartz

It’s clear that things are quite challenging in The Valley when even Tom Schwartz, known for his questionable actions like spilling beer on his girlfriend’s head, is offering sound advice. He not only warned Jax against using his son as a piece in a game of security-camera chess with Brittany, but he also advised him against asking Brittany to slow down the divorce process, suggesting it was a poor move. Kudos to Bubba for showing some good judgment.

10.
Benji Quach

He’s from Canada and brings joy to Zack, which is wonderful, but failed to recognize Zack’s scrotox procedure. It’s the small details that truly matter in relationships, though.

9.
Kyle Chan

If an alien observing Bravo thought that Kyle Chan owns every engagement ring in all of Los Angeles, it’s clear he’s a prosperous entrepreneur. Yet, why do you associate with those individuals and involve yourself in lizard-themed deceit? Have faith in your own abilities.

8.
Jared Lipscomb

As a movie buff, let me tell you, ol’ Jared Lips has never savored Scheana’s renowned enchiladas! Now, I understand he’s vegan, but c’mon, buddy, I’ve been listening to tales about these enchiladas since the only “valley” worth mentioning was the gap between ancient chairs in that Sur alley.

7.
Zack Wickham

To set the record straight: Zack wasn’t a Disney witch putting a curse on Janet’s baby; instead, he got drunk and shouted incoherent things. His apology for that outburst was, “Don’t pay attention to anything I say when I’m drunk.” It seems they think saying “I’m sorry” will bring about some strange reactions, like a rash or allergy. Zack showed remorse later in the series, standing up to Jax and helping plan Luke and Kristen’s engagement. However, he relapsed into poor behavior by suggesting Janet would harm Brittany, so there is still room for improvement.

6.
Aaron Nosler

Was Aaron in a relationship with Michelle when she was still married to Jesse? That’s like asking, “What color is the inside of a closed box?” I don’t have the answer, I don’t see its importance, and it doesn’t concern me. The state of Jesse and Michelle’s relationship was so chaotic that it made the Titanic seem seaworthy. Aaron appears to be doing well. It’s peculiar that his backyard is covered in grass, but I suppose it’s charming that he produces honey.

5.
Danny Booko

Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room: Danny did inappropriately touch Melissa and Jasmine. After a bit of persuasion, he apologized, which seemed satisfactory to both women, and since their judgement on this matter is final for me, I choose to move past it. Now, regarding the incident known as “Chug-gate,” I must admit that I suspect Danny may have drunkenly chugged tequila like a college frat boy. However, I don’t believe it was as malicious as Janet portrays it to be. To be honest, she has shown herself to be an unreliable narrator, much like the protagonist of George Orwell’s “1984” observing from Big Brother’s perspective. The only instances we’ve seen of “Dark Side Danny” this season have been taking a nap and calling Janet a snake – behaviors I can relate to myself even when sober.

I acknowledge that Danny could benefit from a healthier relationship with alcohol, but should we really make it the focus of an entire season? I don’t think so. It’s not enough for me to continue dwelling on it. Bring me up to speed once he starts tearing off his sweater and getting into a physical altercation in broad daylight, perhaps in a parking lot.

4.
Jason Caperna

It seems that Jason might not have malicious motives, but he appears to suffer from a strong fear of his partner, often referred to as “Scared of Wife Syndrome.” Initially unconcerned about the rumor involving the ring, he became defensive only when Janet saw it as a significant issue. Suddenly, the situation escalated into “Kristen Doute is trying to single-handedly destroy my marriage.” Jason’s behavior towards the other guys has also been questionable; he accused Danny of being an alcoholic, then apologized for his accusation, only to accuse him again later on. This behavior is quite puzzling! In reality TV, it seems either one has a strained relationship with alcohol or remains sober due to past struggles with it. Criticizing a fellow Vanderpump Rules cast member for being drunk is like scolding an actor from the Gilded Age for wearing odd wigs – both are part of the job! If Jason were genuinely concerned about Danny’s drinking, he would offer empathy and support instead, which he seems to be doing with Jax, someone who has never struggled with alcohol.

3.
Jesse’s Life Coach Scott

Scott claimed that Michelle was orchestrating a secret scheme to divert attention away from her rumored infidelities, by provoking Jesse, which in turn would make him act unkindly towards her, thereby generating sympathy. Let me clarify: The actions making Jesse appear unpleasant are not due to Michelle playing the “Pepe Silvia” card, but rather because Jesse is being a jerk. I believe that any life coach or therapist whose advice can essentially be summed up as, “Blame your ex-wife for everything,” lacks credibility and most likely obtained their license from the David Mamet School of Gender Politics. Additionally, his plans for a “men’s only bonding session” give off cult leader vibes, leading me to think he’s just one podcast appearance away from being a cult leader.

2.
Jesse Lally

It’s unrealistic for Jesse to expect forgiveness and absolution if he continues to demean and belittle his wife with hurtful language like “lying, cheating whore.” Throughout the season, Jesse attempts to make Michelle admit to infidelity, but no one will forgive him because of his past mistreatment of her. Moreover, Jesse refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings, such as publicly shaming a sex worker after ‘Anora’ or threatening to move his daughter for the sake of another woman who allegedly dated “the man from Baywatch.” Despite a slight effort towards redemption in the finale, it will be a difficult journey for Jesse.

1.
Jax Taylor

Indeed, it was obvious that Jax was involved. He had the audacity to hurl a coffee table at Brittany, verbally abuse her, send angry text messages, secretly record conversations, condemned her for sleeping with Julian, neglected mortgage payments, rented a condo using the money saved from not paying the mortgage, and the most appalling of all, he donned an ostentatious gold chain. This man exhibits such disrespect for truth that he resembles a character portrayed by Sacha Baron Cohen. In the finale, he mentioned to Brittany that he would wait until the last moment to sign the divorce papers “just because.” Just because! Can words be more malicious in the English language? Although we know he won’t appear next season, his influence may linger, casting a shadow over the inhabitants of The Valley, urging them, “Prove me wrong. Show me a man who wouldn’t act the same way.

Read More

2025-07-24 18:54