FTX’s Grand Gesture: $1.9B for the Waiting (Still)

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Dearest old FTX, ever the maestro of financial chaos, is finally dusting off its tuxedo for another round of creditor largesse. The curtain rises on September 30, 2025, as the beleaguered exchange attempts to distribute a paltry $1.9 billion—courtesy of a court’s generous hand—to those who’ve waited three years for a payout. One might think patience is a virtue, but even saints would’ve demanded a raise by now. 🤷♂️💸

  • FTX’s next “generosity” gala: Sep. 30, 2025. Bring your patience and a sense of irony.
  • Court’s kindhearted gesture: Unfroze $1.9B from a previously frosty $6.5B reserve. 🧊➡️💵
  • Creditors, ever the skeptics, are still squabbling over who gets what. Shakespeare would be proud.

For those clinging to hope since late 2022 (when FTX’s house of cards collapsed with the subtlety of a drunk elephant), the July 23 statement offered a glimmer: Class 5, 6, and “convenient” claimants may receive their dues by September. Just don’t forget the August 15 RSVP deadline—because nothing says “chaos” like missing a formality. 🗓️

This latest largesse followed a court’s surprisingly charitable decision to slash FTX’s disputed claims reserve from $6.5B to $4.3B, freeing up $1.9B for distribution. A fiscal miracle, one might say, if not for the lingering scent of burnt toast. 🍞🔥

Court’s Approval: A Silver Lining or Just Glitter?

BitGo, Kraken, and Payoneer—FTX’s chosen “banking” partners—will now handle the payouts. Claimants must, of course, endure the delightful ritual of KYC verification, tax forms, and registration by August. A bureaucratic ballet, if ever there was one. 🎭

The U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Delaware, in a moment of unexpected generosity, approved the $1.9B release after FTX’s 2024 reorganization plan. This grand scheme promises up to $16.5B in repayments, including 9% interest for most creditors. A “generous” offer, assuming one ignores the 0.1% of Bitcoin and 1.2% of Ethereum still missing. 🧾

Yet, even as the champagne flows for some, others are left sipping bitter legal tea. China and Russia alone hoard $470M in claims, while lawsuits brew like a storm in a teacup. One might call it a “costly game of chess,” if the pieces weren’t so hopelessly scattered. 🏰

Valuation Drama: A Tale of Two Prices

FTX’s repayment plan values crypto at November 2022 prices—when Bitcoin was a humble $16,000. Today, it’s a sprightly $120,000. Creditors, naturally, are less than thrilled. They’d hoped for a “current value” encore, but the court’s sticking to the old script. 🎭

Sue them? By all means. But the court’s resolute adherence to the 2022 valuation suggests the legal drama will outlast the crypto boom. A tragedy, perhaps, but one with a side of irony. 🤡

In the end, FTX’s $16.5B recovery feels less like a triumph and more like a Pyrrhic victory. After all, what’s a fortune if you’ve already lost 99.9% of the original stakes? 🎲

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2025-07-24 09:12