Why is JPMorgan Making a Blockchain Token? You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!

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So apparently, JPMorgan is getting into the whole blockchain, crypto, digital token what-have-you mess. Yeah, they’re “rolling out” something called the JPMD token on Base. Base! That’s Coinbase’s Layer 2 Ethereum network—because obviously, the world was crying out for another blockchain with a snazzy name. (Naming things after generic terms, very original.)

Word on the street—a.k.a., “people who get paid to issue statements”—is you’ll see the first “JPMD” transaction from a Chase wallet any day now. A spokesperson told The Block about it, all hush-hush like they’re launching a moon mission. They keep saying it’s not a stablecoin. Okay, so what is it? A moderately stable coin? An emotionally unstable coin? No one actually knows. They’re just hoping you ask less questions if they look confident enough.🧐

Base, obviously trying to look hip on X (Twitter for the stubborn), boasts that JPMorgan picked them for “sub-second, low-cost transactions”—which, you know, is great if you’ve ever wanted to move one dollar from A to B like it’s going to win a race. “Moving money should take seconds, not days,” they declare, as if they’ve just solved world hunger. And now, commercial banking is going “onchain.” Whatever that means—probably sounds cooler in the boardroom.

Before you get your hopes up that your grandma will soon be sending digital pennies from her JPMD wallet, slow down. This thing is “permissioned.” Which is corporate for “you can’t play with it unless they let you.” Only “approved institutional clients” can touch it. (Apologies to the unapproved, you know who you are.) Bloomberg says they’re starting small, probably just enough to have meetings about it, maybe expand later—assuming some regulatory folks don’t shut the whole thing down for being, well, new and scary. 🤷‍♂️

Let’s not forget, JPMorgan’s been dabbling in this stuff for a while—remember JPM Coin? It’s like their version of Monopoly money for grownups. Now with JPMD, they want to tie up traditional finance with blockchains, but also keep everything locked up tighter than Fort Knox. You gotta respect the commitment to “experimentation,” even if it’s mostly just old finance dipping its toe in the crypto pool while refusing to swim. 🏊‍♂️

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2025-06-18 00:24