Crypto Shock: Why Circle is No Match for Tether’s Tetherball Game 🎪

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Arthur Hayes, who once presided over BitMEX like a Victorian lord over his crypts, now casts his gently scornful gaze upon Circle, the USDC stablecoin issuer, hinting—with all the subtlety of Wilde in a bad mood—that it may be as overvalued as a debutante’s opinion of herself, especially when one compares it to the grand Tether (USDT).

His critique follows Circle’s dramatic, bordering-on-operatic, IPO and arrival on the NYSE—the sort of entrance that screams, “Look at me, mother!” and prompts onlookers to wonder just who will next strut onto the crypto stage in sequined tights and public shares.

Circle’s Social Life? Positively Provincial, Says Hayes

According to Hayes, Circle is a party guest who mistakenly believes its dance card is full. Its business model, he claims, is as wobbly as a tipsy duchess at a garden soirée; it simply cannot match Tether’s endless supply of invitations to the finest crypto exchanges.

“Observe Tether,” our protagonist muses, “whose market dominance comes not from a surfeit of virtue, but from the sheer audacity of being everywhere at once.” Early adoption? Check. Distribution so vast it could dazzle even Lady Bracknell? Double check.

It turns out Tether danced its way onto every major crypto exchange while Circle must rely on its slightly-too-friendly chaperone, Coinbase, to distribute USDC internationally. Alas, a debutante’s freedom is only as great as her mother allows! And in this case, mother wants half the dowry—Hayes notes Circle must split 50% of its interest income with Coinbase, a partnership resembling an expensive marriage, minus the honeymoon.

“If you fancy yourself an investor in the ballrooms of stablecoin,” Hayes purrs, “ask yourself only: how will they distribute their product?”

The market, eternally enchanted by new dresses and new stocks, bets heavily on Circle’s future. But—Hayes warns through delicately arched eyebrows—perhaps we’re witnessing nothing more than the beginning of a financial cotillion. “Bubble mania,” he whispers, “is always better with champagne and gullibility.” 🍾

“The price will continue levitating… until one day it won’t. At which point, the bubble will pop, splitting fools from their fortunes, and the orchestra will play only for those who never bought a ticket in the first place.”

You’ll be delighted, of course, to learn that CRCL danced at $147.45 in after-hours trading, a figure most accurate and most subject to the whims of public mood.

Stablecoin Upstarts: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Looking to become the next stablecoin sensation? Hayes assures you the doors are barred, the guest list is exclusive, and the hiring manager is probably Tether’s butler. All the best exchanges have already chosen their dance partners, often for life or at least until the next bear market.

To complicate the masquerade still further, even major banks and social media giants dream of launching their coins—because why should crypto have all the fun (and drama)? The Bank of America now fancies itself the belle of the ball.

“New issuers,” Hayes declares, “must beg admittance at the doors of crypto exchanges, bribe the bouncers of social media firms, or hope for a slow dance with a bank.”

Without such access, any upstart will discover that the ballroom is empty and the orchestra only plays when Tether enters the room.

Colin Wu, with Wildean appreciation for numbers, remarks: “Tether, with a team no bigger than a cricket club, juggles functions that demand three hundred thousand of JPMorgan Chase’s ablest minions.”

Despite his droll mockery, Hayes suggests betting against Circle would be as unwise as insulting Lady Bracknell. “Short Circle? Absolutely not! Even if you have doubts, perhaps you may wish to call upon Coinbase instead.”

“Short Circle? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But if you think the Circle/Coinbase relationship is rather like a canary in the Gilded Age mines—by all means, buy Coinbase.”

And so our tale closes, leaving new stablecoin dreamers pressed up against the glass, watching the old money dance and the bubbles rise, ever upward—at least until somebody turns off the music. 🎻🍸

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2025-06-17 09:42