You Won’t Believe How Pentagon Pizza Orders Predict War—Is Extra Cheese a Red Flag?

by

Many call it pseudoscience, some call it “lunacy,” but I say if the shoe fits (and is stuffed with mozzarella), wear it. For decades, this humble carbohydrate-based litmus test has seen global conflicts coming well before the chaps at Reuters have even put the kettle on.

The Unlikely War Oracle: How Pizza Orders Predict Global Conflicts

“At precisely 6:59pm Eastern, not a sausage roll remained uneaten and every pizza oven within whiffing distance of the Pentagon was hotter than a diplomat in July,” declared the perpetually hungry Pentagon Pizza Report X account on Thursday, June 12. An hour after this calamitous carb commotion, Tehran experienced some distinctly loud, uninvited fireworks. Apparently, Israel had decided to resolve its nuclear heebie-jeebies by launching pre-emptive fireworks of its own at Iran.

Thus, the ancient prophecy (dated about as far back as email forwards from Aunt Mildred): that pizza order volume in the Pentagon’s greasy orbit has an uncanny knack for foreshadowing world-saving, world-ending, or at the very least, world-news-making shenanigans.

(A surge in Pentagon-area pizza orders—a far more reliable harbinger of global drama than tea leaves or horoscopes, if you ask @PenPizzaReport 🍕🔮)

Here’s the rub: the moment chaos beckons, Pentagon bigwigs hunker down for overtime—and, with military precision, deploy their favourite weapon, pizza. It’s quick, it’s satisfying, and unlike diplomatic solutions, it never arrives cold. Granted, sometimes the “pizza index” suffers false alarms; a Super Bowl Sunday can send signals of nuclear armageddon to anyone monitoring the pepperoni pipeline. Still, while self-professed experts clutch their pearls and mutter about the indignity of “open-source intelligence” based on cheese consumption, the greasy truth remains: this bizarre little indicator actually gets it right more often than a pundit with a crystal ball and a hangover.

“Pentagon orders doubled the night before the Panama attack; happened again before the Grenada gig,” reminisced one weary pizza courier, reportedly quoted in Time Magazine in the grand epoch of 1990. “Things went bonkers around midnight. We knew the world was about to get very exciting—especially for anyone holding shares in stomach antacids.” And indeed, on August 2, 1990, Saddam Hussein crashed Kuwait’s party just as the last slice left Crystal City.

As Wolf Blitzer, CNN’s own mustachioed bard of the briefing room, once muttered (as Slate.com gleefully reminds us): “The bottom line for journalists: Always monitor the pizzas.” Sage advice—clearly, the path to global insight is littered with crumbs, cardboard boxes, and anchovies (optional). 🍕🕵️‍♂️

Read More

2025-06-17 07:57