Did Metaplanet Just Buy a Small Country in Bitcoin? You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

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It was a Monday, cloudy, and entirely unremarkable, save for the small matter of Metaplanet Inc. (Tokyo Stock Exchange: 3350 / OTCQX: MTPLF) waking up and, as one does, quietly purchasing another 1,112 bitcoin. Yes, just like that. One imagines some clerk in Tokyo nervously sweating over a keyboard, wondering if he’ll accidentally send the funds to “MetaPlanetPizza” instead. The sum is now a proper 10,000 BTC, causing all but the sternest grandmothers to speculate what Metaplanet plans to do with such a stash. Host a banquet? Build a statue? Bribe the neighborhood cats? 🐱‍💻

The price? A cool 15,182,668 yen per bitcoin—approximately $105,000 for each glistening digital coin. Altogether, they’ve spent more on bitcoin than my uncle Misha has spent on vodka in his entire life: about 16.883 billion yen ($117 million). Their life’s work, as articulated in small print and nervous financial statements, has pulled their own average price to 13,915,230 yen per bitcoin (about $96,000). If one could only return such sums by collecting empty bottles, half of Moscow’s population would be millionaires by now.

To justify all this, Metaplanet tracks something called BTC Yield, a figure that seems to leap and dive with all the composure of a provincial actor on premiere night. This waltz of numbers—87.2% this quarter, a modest 41.7%, a dizzying 309.8%, and 95.6% before—makes a reader wonder whether finance is more art than arithmetic. Their stated plan (see for yourself here) is to “enhance shareholder value,” a phrase that always sounds profoundly Chekhovian: melancholy, hopeful, vaguely optimistic, but really no more solid than a longing glance across a frozen field.

So there it is—Metaplanet, awash in digital coins, is continuing its grand accumulation. Will they succeed? Will the authorities visit for a spot of tea (and perhaps an audit)? Will the world finally agree on how to pronounce “yield”? For now, shareholders sit by their samovar, exchanging tall tales and glancing at the bitcoin chart—hoping it goes up, up, always up. 🚀

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2025-06-16 11:57