Costco’s Gold Rush: How Bars Sold Out Faster Than Bulgakov Could Chase His Cat

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Just when you thought the only thing you could buy in vast quantities at Costco was enough toilet paper to wallpaper the Kremlin, comes this: an unprecedented stampede for 24-karat gold bars! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, gold fever has struck the aisles, and not even Bulgakov’s Behemoth could keep pace.

June 2023, a month remembered not for fresh strawberries or global harmony, but for the dazzling debut of gold at Costco. Since then, the demand soared higher than the Master’s eyebrows, and somehow, shoppers grew as inflamed as officials at a poorly staged magic show.

By the waning days of October 2024, the halls of commerce echoed with wails—77% of Costco fortresses across the American expanse reported a famine of bullion, despite regular “miraculous interventions” a.k.a. restocking. Prices of gold, meanwhile, escalated to levels that could make even the devil himself weep for his budget: $3,248 an ounce (if you please), after a scandalous high of $3,500. Bankers everywhere were seen clutching their hats and eyeing the exits.

In a heroic attempt to prevent the rise of petty barons and kitchen-sized hoards, you will now find, in charming digital script at the checkout:

“Limit of one Transaction Per Membership, with a Maximum of two Units Per 24 Hours.”
You may press the refresh button, but alas, Ivan, you are still but one member, no matter how many passports you possess.

Meanwhile, in the great halls of finance, beacons of capitalism such as Wells Fargo announced, with the gravitas of a talking cat, that Costco was pocketing up to $200 million a month in gold bar sales alone. That’s almost enough to buy a Moscow apartment… in 1920.

“I daresay, significant interest from the public,” uttered Wells Fargo analyst Edward Kelly, “prompted by aggressive pricing and unbreakable trust in Costco, where you can buy grade-A bullion and a rotisserie chicken, all in one trip.”

And not to be outdone by their own glitter, Costco now deals in silver and platinum too. How long before diamonds and the philosopher’s stone, one wonders? Or, perhaps, Bulgakov’s next great manuscript, smuggled out among the bars? 🕵️‍♂️💰

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2025-05-12 15:32