Crypto Tycoon Sentenced to 12 Years, Despite Trump-Era Pardon Frenzy 🚹

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In a twist fit for a NoĂ«l Coward production—perhaps Blithe Spirit of the Blockchain—the US federal court for the Southern District of New York has delivered former Celsius CEO Alex Mashinsky straight to the slammer for 12 years, with all the subtlety and grace of a sledgehammer at afternoon tea.

Mashinsky’s legal team pleaded for a bit of mercy—after all, before Celsius went up in smoke, he was apparently a paragon of virtue, military man and all, ready to raise his hand and admit guilt. US prosecutors, less convinced by his performance, lobbied confidently for a robust 20-year hiatus from cocktail parties and polo matches, as of late April. Bravo! Top billing for bad behaviour.

Yet, the betting public wagered on leniency, with Polymarket suggesting a mere 11% chance that Mashinsky would be sipping prison wine for two decades or longer. To the gamblers: your intuition was about as sharp as a butter knife.

Meanwhile, President Donald Trump, bestriding his second term like a colossus or possibly just a man with a long tie, splashed out high-profile pardons for crypto’s not-so-finest. Thus, the crypto criminal class dared to dream of yachting out of jail. Alas, for Mashinsky, those dreams have been dashed. No pineapple in the prison punch after all. 🍍❌

Department of Justice Dramatically Waves Its Moral Fencing Foil

Certainly, one must admire the current Department of Justice’s capacity for theatrical announcements. Jay Clayton, the Trump-nominated prosecutor with a taste for heavy-handed symbolism, insisted Mashinsky’s sentence should reverberate across crypto-land—a warning for “entrepreneurs, executives, promoters, and anyone hell-bent on getting into the next technological swindle.” Apparently, if you’re planning the next big fraud, (1) don’t, and (2) the curtain will fall on you vigorously.

Mashinsky, they say, preyed on simple folk clinging to promises of riches, like hopefuls at a West End casting call. His team, not to be outdone, painted him as a misunderstood man of business, doting father, Israel Defence Forces alumnus, and—wait for it—not at all like the much-maligned Bankman-Fried. Why, there wasn’t even a glimmer of theft, or so they claim. Just a little old-fashioned catastrophic management.

Mashinsky’s counsel, channeling their inner Laurence Olivier, opined that the government’s submission was “venom-laced,” as if scripted by a particularly spiteful understudy. To them, the prospect of 20 years in prison was, quite melodramatically, a “death-in-prison sentence.” A gasp goes up from the gallery!

Trump’s Crypto-Pardon Parade Leaves Audience Guessing

Trump kicked off his term by pardoning Silk Road 2.0’s Ross Ulbricht—who ever thought narcotics and Bitcoin would prove such a winning double act? BitMEX’s Arthur Hayes, Benjamin Delo, and Samuel Reed each received a Get-Out-of-Jail-Early card for infractions against the Bank Secrecy Act—boring, perhaps, but at least there were no bad costumes involved.

Sam Mangel, eminent stage manager to the criminally inclined, reported a “spike in interest” for Trump’s clemency amongst the prison crowd. Who wouldn’t want to try their luck when the president seems so taken with the role of benevolent deus ex machina?

Meanwhile, Bitcoin maximalist Roger Ver, facing his own federal tax woes, has performed a desperate soliloquy via video for Trump—“Alas, poor taxpayer
 I knew him, Horatio.” The crypto glitterati keenly monitor the president’s next move, as imprisonment in America’s finest minimum-security accommodations becomes a hotter topic than Wimbledon tickets.

Sam Bankman-Fried, perpetual enfant terrible of FTX’s ashes, has compared his trial to Trump’s defamation debacles. (An act-off, perhaps? Who will win the award for Best Legal Melodrama?) His family, ever the plotters, have apparently been consulting the Trumpian legal braintrust for a pardon of their own.

Even Changpeng Zhao, late of Binance, wants in on the act—his lawyers have filed a clemency request, the legal equivalent of passing one’s hat round the clubroom and hoping for a spare fiver.

As for the present, the regulatory playbook is being rewritten with the energy of a farce. Between jostling regulators, new legal rules, and Trump’s own crypto escapades, it’s less a dignified courtroom drama and more a dizzying revue. Yet Mashinsky’s sentence stands as a reminder to the financial world: even here, sometimes the punchline isn’t in your favour. Curtain down. 🎭

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2025-05-09 00:21