You Won’t Believe What Made Bitcoin Shoot to $98,933—Was It Trump’s “Big” Announcement?

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Just when you thought Bitcoin had run out of ludicrous numbers to hit, it went ahead and sang “Happy Birthday” to itself at $98,933 on May 8. That’s a 2.6% climb in 24 hours, which is more than my cholesterol went up after last Thanksgiving, and frankly, a far less predictable outcome.

The man, the myth, the hair himself—Donald Trump—chimed in with a riddle straight from Truth Social, promising a “major trade deal” with a “big” and “highly respected” country. I thought maybe it was “Big Country,” the Scottish 1980s band, but sources say it’s actually the United Kingdom, because of course the only thing that could make Brexit look coordinated is U.S. market announcements.

Meanwhile, traders who’d already been day-drinking due to tariff-related stress perked up at the news. Why? Because tariffs have been brutal lately: A single White House whisper about China and the entire market will either party like it’s $109,000 (last seen January 20, right before Trump’s inauguration) or nosedive to $74,500 faster than you can say “I’d like to buy one avocado toast, please.”

If that’s not enough international flair for you, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is off to Switzerland for a secret handshake with the Chinese—apparently “Switzerland” is code for “meeting place far away from people who expect results.” It’s the first glimmer of hope that we can maybe untangle this knot of tariffs that’s done more damage to Bitcoin than I did to my childhood orthodontia.

The cherry on this digital sundae? The Fed held interest rates steady on May 7. Poor Jerome Powell (“heightened uncertainty,” he says—his therapist must be on speed dial) had to play it cool for the markets while also reminding everyone that inflation is still doing CrossFit in the background. But hey, at least unemployment is low, so there are plenty of jobs for people speculating on a $100,000 Bitcoin.

With everything teetering like my aunt at Christmas after two glasses of sherry, Bitcoin is sniffing that $100,000 line. Bulls are excited. Bears are confused. The rest of us are just here for the memes and the schadenfreude. 🚀💸🤷‍♂️

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2025-05-08 10:57