What to know:
- Strategy generously misplaced $4.2 billion ($16.49 per share) in the first quarter, courtesy of Bitcoin acting like a particularly moody pet rock.
- The company is, remarkably, asking for another $21 billion—presumably because the universe runs on irony and the market’s collective memory is shorter than a mayfly’s to-do list.
- They finished the quarter owning 528,185 BTC, which grew to 553,555 (thanks, lucky numbers and a notable addiction to buying dips).
Strategy (which, judging by the decisions here, is either a company or an elaborate performance art piece) reported a fairy-tale Q1 2025 loss of $16.49 per share. Not satisfied with that grim figure, they tossed in a casual $5.9 billion writedown because Bitcoin—true to form—went on a wild ride through Valhalla and came back hungover.
Michael Saylor, Executive Chairman and perennial HODLer-in-chief, remains unbothered by the minor inconvenience of gravity. Running out of their last $21 billion just in time for the block halving, they’ve announced a fresh, shiny $21 billion at-the-market equity offering—because when life gives you lemons, open a fruit stand. 🍋🍋🍋
Meanwhile, in the shadowy back room known as Strategy’s “Actual Software Business,” quarterly revenue drifted down to $111.1 million from $115.2 million, possibly distracted by the crypto circus happening next door. Subscription revenue did the opposite, leaping from $23.0 million to $37.1 million, largely because someone accidentally renewed 4,000 times.
The quarter’s “BTC Yield”—which sounds suspiciously like something you’d see on an agricultural reality show—hit 11.0%, reporting a “BTC $ Gain” of approximately $4.1 billion. The official target for the year is $10 billion, but as we’ve learned, targets are mostly just there for dramatic effect.
Undeterred, Strategy now expects to hoard Bitcoin faster than a squirrel on an espresso diet, with raised targets: BTC Yield amped up to 25%, and BTC $ Gain shooting for $15 billion. Because… what’s the point of moderation, really? 🐿️🚀
Company shares, defiant as ever, are up 27% year-to-date. This matches well with Bitcoin’s own colossal mood swings, having lately been trading at the daily equivalent of a small yacht: $96,547 — a mere 2.5% bounce for anyone keeping score at home or using it as Monopoly money.
As of April, the company has corralled 553,555 bitcoin at a cost of $37.9 billion, average $68,459 each. The stash is now worth around $53 billion. It’s a number so large it has its own weather patterns.
We’re told with absolute sincerity by Phong Le, President and CEO, that, “Our capital markets strategy continues to grow our Bitcoin holdings while delivering superior shareholder value.” Translated: “We’re stacking sats and crossing our fingers.”
In the after-hours market, shares are only slightly higher—either in anticipation, confusion, or both. The universe continues its mysterious expansion, as does Strategy’s balance sheet. 🤷♂️🪙
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2025-05-02 00:15