Kraken Does a Thing! (You Won't Believe What Happens Next!) 😱

Right then, gather ’round, because Kraken, that behemoth of the crypto-wrangling game, is having a bit of a shuffle. Seems they’re rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic… sorry, strategically reorganizing to chase after shinier things, like cozying up to proper, grown-up finance with an IPO. Fancy that! 🏦

A spokesperson – likely someone with a very nice severance package on standby – chirped on Thursday that while a few souls are being gently escorted off the premises (job cuts, if you must be blunt), they’re still jolly keen on hiring bright sparks for the important bits. You know, the bits that make them money. Because, as they put it, with the kind of wisdom only a successful business can muster: “We continuously evaluate our workforce to ensure it aligns with our strategic priorities.” Which, roughly translated, means “If you ain’t contributing to the bottom line, you’re on your way out.” 💸

Now, this isn’t the first time Kraken’s wielded the axe. Back in ’22, they lopped off 15% of the crew – that’s around 400 souls. Still, they’re ever the optimists. Perhaps they’ve been reading too many self-help books? 🤔

What’s perked them up, you ask? Well, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (those chaps who like to poke crypto with a regulatory stick) decided to withdraw a rather nasty accusation about Kraken being a naughty, unregistered securities exchange. Kraken, naturally, reckons it was all a political game and a bit unfair on innovation. Now that’s over, they’re feeling rather chipper, like a weight’s been lifted. They’re even hinting that this could mean more money and general merriment in the crypto-sphere. One can only hope. 🤞

“Kraken’s business is thriving!” proclaimed the spokesperson, possibly through gritted teeth. “We’re launching more new products than ever before, driving strong revenue growth, and rapidly expanding across our entire product portfolio — including through the agreement to acquire NinjaTrader.” Sounds like they’re trying to distract you with shiny objects, doesn’t it? ✨

This whole shebang is part of Kraken’s grand plan to spread its tentacles into less… volatile waters. They’ve even started offering commission-free trading for a shedload of stocks and ETFs in the U.S. Because, why not dabble in the slightly-less-insane world of traditional finance? 🤪

And wouldn’t you know it, this all coincides with some regulatory rumblings in the crypto world. Seems a lot of these crypto-whatchamacallits, including Kraken, are sniffing around for new ways to make a bob or two outside of digital funny money. Apparently, the promise of kinder, gentler laws is quite appealing, especially if a certain Mr. Trump gets his hands on the reins again. 🐴

The exact number of folks getting the boot is a bit of a mystery, but whispers suggest it could be hundreds. But fear not! (Or do fear, if you work there). Kraken insists they’re still dead set on being innovative, expanding their wares, and becoming a big cheese in both the old-fashioned and the crypto-financial worlds. So, onwards and upwards! (Or sideways. Or possibly downwards. Who knows, really?) 🤷‍♀️

2025-04-18 15:33

Kraken Does a Thing! (You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!) 😱

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