US Morning Crypto News Briefing: Where dreams of blockchain wealth go to meet the unrelenting reality of goldâs persistent glitter and cryptoâs nosedive.
Sit down, pour yourself the blackest coffee in your pantry (no oat milk, weâre not animals), and letâs see how gold, smug as ever, soars past $3,300 an ounce. Meanwhile, Bitcoin lingers like a mortified second cousin at a family wedding, ignored and over-dressed. The âDigital Goldâ narrative? My dear, itâs looking more threadbare than the upholstery at an Oxbridge senior common room.
Is Bitcoin the New Tech Stock? Or Simply the Old Joke? đ§
Gold has charged past $3,317 per ounceâan ascent not witnessed since, well, yesterday, if youâre into hyperbolic financial news. A trembling world sees its solace in bullion, while investors pile into gold as if it promises a seat on the last lifeboat. Bitcoin, that self-styled disruptor, cuts a rather less impressive figureârather more Mark Zuckerberg at a debutante ball than Warren Buffett at the Derby.
Savants and experts (donât they all have marvellous titles these days?) are now debating with the vigor of dons over sherry whether Bitcoin, with its 11.8% quarterly slump, has lost its golden touchâand perhaps its trousers.
âBitcoin has closed the first quarter of 2025 with a 11.8% decline and recent fluctuations in the last two months highlight Bitcoin is extremely sensitive to macro-economic factors,â proclaimed Innokenty Isers, CEO of something called Paybis, which may or may not be an underground jazz bar in Riga.
Isers is convinced the crypto darling clings to the coattails of the traditional market, at least âfor the foreseeable futureâ (which, as any City man knows, could be as brief as a Soho cocktail party).
âBitcoinâs correlation with equitiesâmost notably a 0.72 correlation with the S&P 500â has led some investors to re-evaluate its position as âdigital goldâ narrativeâat least in the short term,â he added, presumably while italicizing âshort termâ and lighting a melancholy cigarillo.
Golden revelations continue: Bitcoin and gold, it appears, interact about as much as rival Members of Parliament at a charity softball matchâa paltry 0.2 correlation. Awkward at parties, those two.
âHistorically, this correlation has rarely exceeded 0.3, which highlights a limited linear co-movement between the two. In the recent months, Bitcoin has exhibited characteristics more akin to a tech stock than a traditional digital gold,â Isers stated. One can almost hear the resigned sigh.
On the macro front, Bitcoinâs Fear and Greed Index gloomily registers 29, which, if translated to human emotions, would land somewhere between existential despair and having to listen to a junior analystâs TED talk.
âAt the same time, Bitcoin ETFs have seen steady outflows throughout April, despite the assetâs price climbing. So far, outflows have totaled $812.3 million this month, with BlackRockâs IBIT accounting for the largest share,â Isers reported, possibly with the faint sound of violins in the background.
QCP capital, chroniclers of market malaise, note that even a recent rebound has failed to rouse Bitcoin to safe-haven status. Investors, meanwhile, await the next Papal Bull from Jerome Powell at the Economic Club of Chicago, hoping for divine guidance on rates and tariffsâbefore promptly ignoring said guidance and doing the opposite.
Fed Governor Christopher Waller chimed in petulantly this week, suggesting inflation might have more staying power than last yearâs TikTok stars. Markets, for their part, remain as hopeful as Dickensian orphans clutching lottery tickets.
Chart of the Day
Crypto Equities Pre-Market Overview (A List of Sorrows)
| Company | At the close â April 16 | Pre-market overview |
| Strategy (MSTR) | $310.72 | $305.70 (-1.61%) |
| Coinbase Global (COIN) | $175.57 | $171.63 (-2.04%) |
| Galaxy Digital Holdings (GLXY) | $15.45 | |
| MARA Holdings (MARA) | $12.58 | $12.23 (-3.10%) |
| Riot Platforms (RIOT) | $6.55 | $6.39 (-2.82%) |
| Core Scientific (CORZ) | $6.85 | $6.67 (-2.65%) |
One might suggest investing in sherry and cynicism instead. At least the returns are predictable. đ„đ
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2025-04-16 17:18