The Valley Season-Premiere Recap: Hell Week

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Could we possibly entertain the idea that Valley Village might be under a peculiar spell? For instance, Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney moved there, and shortly after, they found themselves in less-than-ideal living situations on the less desirable side of Mulholland. Similarly, Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix settled there, only to find themselves cohabiting a single dwelling with a sense of humiliation while Tom attempted to maintain their generic modern farmhouse, complete with an incredibly unattractive LEGO portrayal on the wall. Not long after, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright joined them, leaving Jax now working solo in his front yard, blowing leaves down the driveway as if it were a full-time job. Given these circumstances, it’s not entirely far-fetched to suspect that this development of oversized homes with refrigerators large enough for a Range Rover was constructed atop an ancient Native American burial ground.

Returning for a second round in The Valley, we’re well-versed on the upcoming events. It was common knowledge that Jesse and Michelle had separated before the series premiere, so their divorce was no surprise. Similarly, the disintegration of Jax and Brittany’s marriage is set to unfold in season two, with Jax checking into a mental health facility while filming continues. Following this predictable pattern for Bravo enthusiasts, the show takes us on a journey that reveals the grim reality we barely imagined, before rewinding back to the start of production to unveil the path that led to this point.

The initial sequence of Jax’s story is intense and revealing. It starts with Kristen warning him that he can no longer be alone with his son, marking a turning point in his life that he doesn’t fully comprehend yet. Jason follows by telling him that he stands to lose everything he has constructed. Brittany expresses her concern that their son won’t turn out like the man Jax is now, and suggests he seeks help. The scene then shifts to Jax entering treatment, which hints at a series of poor decisions in the upcoming weeks. But wait, it’s not over yet. A title appears on screen: “Seven days ago.

Incredibly, it seems like a week’s worth of chaos unfolded. Just seven days? Jax Taylor’s questionable actions deserve closer examination, perhaps even in a laboratory setting. If we could somehow channel his energy, renewable sources would become obsolete; all we’d need is to ensure this 46-year-old individual continues to thrive, supplying enough power to illuminate the entire world. Seven days, indeed! Buckle up for an eventful season ahead.

The opening scene features parallel dialogues: Jax converses with Jesse, while Brittany discusses with Michelle. Both narrate the same account, yet in distinct manners. When the season commences, they’ve been apart for nine months, and Brittany resides in a temporary home, both free to be intimate with others. Brittany began seeing Julian, who was a friend of Jax’s, but their relationship wasn’t like the one between Jax and Kristen during a private screening of Drive when she was dating his closest friend. They were contemplating reconciling, as per Jax, until he stumbled upon Brittany’s iPad – used by their son, Cruz – and discovered her messages to Julian, including some explicit images. I apologize for the mistake; in Brittany’s telling, Jax didn’t actually see them; instead, he “stumbled upon” them. I want to ensure we accurately represent her version of events.

What followed wasn’t a jest, as Jax became so enraged that he overturned a coffee table, which struck Brittany. His anger stemmed not only from the incident with his friend but also from her discussing their marriage improvements while still conversing with another man, which led to his outburst. “Try finding someone who wouldn’t react like I did,” Jax asserted. However, allow me to clarify, I would never overturn a coffee table unless there was a scrumptious platter of chicken and waffles beneath it. Later on, Tom Schwartz voiced his disapproval of the behavior, as did Jason. Despite Jax’s attempts to present himself as reasonable, his actions are far from acceptable or justifiable.

It’s common knowledge that Jax often gets into fights and isn’t afraid to bend the truth. Compared to him, Brittany rarely loses her temper or tells lies during their reality TV career. In contrast, Jax is infamous for his fighting, fibbing, flirting, filibustering, failing, and falling down. While it seems like most of the trouble can be traced back to Jax, there’s no need to take sides in this situation because being right or wrong isn’t about choosing between Jax Taylor or truth itself. This spectacle is sure to be intriguing!

Throughout the entire episode, Brittany mentions hosting a White Party, but Jax isn’t included in that event. Consequently, he decides to organize his own gathering as competition. Jason informs us that Jax has been pressuring all the group members to attend his party through their chat. Nia and Janet express discomfort with this chat, stating they prefer not to be part of it at all. I’m curious about what exactly goes on in this chat room. Is it filled with car videos, random TikTok clips of farts, and adult content? Or is it pure pornography and locker-room talk? Could it possibly include fitness advice, Andrew Tate clips, or Jesse sharing his outfits of the day? I’m left scratching my head, wondering what exactly it could be. They might want to clarify the nature of this chat and perhaps even share a few screenshots for transparency.

Initially, we find ourselves at Jax’s gathering, held in his very own bar. The scene resembles the quiet stillness of Harvey Weinstein’s future funeral procession. The guests consist of Jax, Tom Schwartz, Tom’s sibling Bert, and a couple of vintage carnival workers that production encountered near Union Station. This event is in such disarray that even Jax could not muster the entire Schwartz trio; he only managed to secure Bert’s presence. The atmosphere is so gloomy that Lana Del Rey herself would likely decline composing a melancholic ballad about it.

At Brittany’s house, tensions are running high among the cast members, primarily due to Janet. Fortunately, the episode explains the main points of the disagreement between Kristen and Janet – as Kristen accused Janet of calling Michelle a racist because she is a Republican – but it doesn’t delve into why Janet and Zack are at odds. It appears that they might be competing for Brittany’s friendship, with Zack referring to her as “his person.” However, he also complains that Brittany has become too attached to Janet, even going so far as to say she’s made a home in Janet’s “private parts,” which is vulgar. It seems like the guys’ group chat might just consist of them jokingly passing around this term. On the other hand, Kristen continues to refer to Zack as her best friend. So it seems like Zack is upset that Brittany has a new close friend, and Kristen is upset because it’s her old friend, Janet. The situation remains unclear.

Kristen and Zack are upset over comments made by Janet during a podcast hosted by Gibson Johns, my friend who models Speedos occasionally. In the podcast, Janet claims that last season, neither Kristen nor Zack showed concern when she had a miscarriage or wanted her pregnancy to continue. This allegation is shocking and unbelievable in the realm of reality television, as wishing harm upon an unborn child is unthinkable, even for those with deep-seated animosity. Understandably, Kristen and Zack are upset about these accusations.

In this scenario, instead of saying “Janet apologizes, but not really,” you could say “Janet expresses regret, though her words seem more like an explanation than an apology.” Also, to clarify that Zack didn’t actually exhibit the behavior mentioned, you can rephrase it as “Janet says she’s sorry for involving Kristen in what appears to be Zack’s misbehavior, even though we haven’t witnessed such behavior from Zack.” Lastly, to emphasize the ongoing nature of their conversation and the anticipation for the upcoming season, you could say “Their discussion remains unresolved, with both women looking forward to exploring more about their complex relationship in the upcoming episodes.

At the gathering, there’s Jesse and Michelle, and their divorce drama has become so sensational that it’s going to inspire a roller coaster at Universal Studios someday! (Wow, visualize a Bravo-themed amusement park! What would the attractions be? Maybe Mary Cosby’s Wild Sprinter Van Ride?) As we dive into this season, they’re splitting custody. Michelle claims their co-parenting isn’t going smoothly, and both have found new partners. Jesse seems to be dating someone in Orange County who bears a striking resemblance to Heather El Moussa’s twin, while Michelle is with a fellow named Aaron who looks like the cousin I’d flirt with at a straight wedding to keep myself amused at a wedding gathering.

From my perspective as a devoted movie enthusiast, this breakup isn’t like Jax and Brittany’s, which, let’s face it, seems to be primarily Jax’s fault. This one is more complex because I believe they both have their flaws and are unfortunately treating each other poorly. As Michelle puts it, Jesse is the type who might retaliate when wronged, and his behavior toward her in that final episode scene certainly supports this.

In their conversation at the end of the episode, Michelle mentions meeting with a specialist to help their daughter secure a spot at one of L.A.’s top schools. Jesse’s reaction, being upset because he wasn’t part of this meeting, I can understand. However, when it comes to co-parenting, making significant decisions about where, when, and how the child is educated without consulting each other seems a bit questionable, especially if it’s something as substantial as changing schools.

After this, Jesse remarks, “Let’s consider Newport schools,” implying he might relocate to Orange County and enroll their daughter there permanently for education. This decision is problematic because the woman Danny has been dating for only two months resides in Shannon Beador’s neighborhood. Michelle’s observation that Jesse should not be making unilateral decisions about their family, especially concerning their daughter’s future, is accurate. If Jesse insists on moving to Newport Beach, it could lead them back to court discussing custody matters again. Both parties have valid points, but they continue to argue and counter-argue like a never-ending ping-pong match. However, instead of a round white ball, their arguments are more like a squishy mess of accusations that they keep throwing at each other.

Although the drama surrounding others might be more captivating to observe, I firmly believe it will fall short in contrast to Jax and Brittany’s. Following a dismal party where only one Schwartz triplet was present, Jax embarks on a brief journey back to his $2 million solitary residence. He parks the vehicle, secures the front gate, sweeps a few leaves from the driveway, and marches towards the door, but out of the corner of his eye, he spots something unusual. It emerges from the grass, emitting a blue glow like that of a Magic Eight Ball’s undercarriage. Gradually rising, inch by inch, it reveals itself to be a skeletal hand with flesh decaying, tendons and gristle partially preserved. Jax hastens to jingle his keys as quickly as possible due to the sensation that the hand is approaching him, its icy grip on his ankle threatening to drag him beneath.

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2025-04-16 07:55