The Golden Bachelorette Recap: We Have Learned Nothing

As a born-and-raised Minnesotan, I can confidently say that ice skating is as essential as knowing how to survive a polar vortex and having a reliable pair of insulated boots. I’ve seen more people glide across our frozen lakes than I have Chicagoans on one of those Lake Shore paths!

In this piece, we’re discussing the predictably uneventful nature of “hometown” episodes in different versions of “The Bachelor,” except for a memorable exception featuring Dean’s father on Rachel’s season. However, we don’t have Dean’s father here; instead, we have Chock’s father, who reminds me of Jimmy Stewart voicing the old dog sheriff in “Fievel Goes West.” I strongly advocate for eliminating these hometown visits. It would be more convenient if the lead could discreetly travel to meet families. I don’t mind that happening; I just don’t want to watch it. Instead, I prefer seeing the contestants engaging in friendship activities together. Imagine the excitement this episode would generate if Gary and Charles returned for more shopping sprees! The show could also have the leads ask the participants thought-provoking questions about their lives and beliefs, but “The Bachelor” will never provide that depth. Everyone will be portrayed as neutral, making them acceptable to all yet adored by none, except, once again, for Charles.

I’m dodging the issue here, which is recapping an episode where we learn nothing and end up exactly where we were last week, only down a person who never seemed to really spark with Joan anyway. I was so much more invested in Gerry’s season, which feels terrible because Gerry has turned out to be pretty sus! But there’s a reason more people tend to watch The Bachelor than The Bachelorette. It’s because women are allowed to be more emotionally vulnerable, and that makes for more interesting television than these stilted men who seem to hope they are conveying all the emotions they need to through smiling. How is Joan supposed to work with this? Of course, she’s feeling less confident now than before hometowns! Basically everyone but Chock is holding their cards close to their chest, and Chock is still acting like Biff Tanner around her. (Me: “Hey, you, get your damn hands off her.”)

Let’s move on to our destinations now. First stop: Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where we find Guy. This picturesque spot will be the most serene and it seems Lake Tahoe brings out a more laid-back side of Guy! He appears quite fond of this place, especially when he’s behind the wheel of that boat. Joan seems to appreciate boats too. Guy shares with her some intriguing tidbits about Lake Tahoe, which he refers to as a ‘story’, but it seems more like something he heard. He mentions that if you make a wish at Lake Tahoe, it will come true. That’s quite unusual! It certainly doesn’t work that way! I suspect Guy might have been embellishing the truth there. As it turns out, there’s no evidence of wishes being granted at Lake Tahoe other than on greeting cards. However, there is information about bodies that have resurfaced in the lake. Quite an interesting contrast!

As a movie enthusiast, I’d rephrase it like this: “It appears we’ve discovered that at any given location, if you perform some action and express your heartfelt desire, magic might just happen. For instance, ‘If you nibble on a cheddar cube while standing beneath the Waffle House sign, Waffle House might grant your wish.’ So, why did they toss stones into the water?

They head to Reno, once known as the Divorce Capital of the World, where Guy introduces Joan to his family: Gary, Greg, Gwen, Gail, Greer, and their son, Glenn. Meanwhile, Guy feels it’s the right moment for a proposal, sensing his family’s encouragement, but there’s also an existing restraining order between them. Despite this, they both appear somewhat uncomfortable around each other.

Afterward, I become quite excited, for we’ve arrived at none other than Chicago! Joan adores this city, as any true Chicagoan would. She encounters Pascal at his salon in the affluent suburb of Glencoe, where she enjoys herself immensely while interacting with his staff and indulging in salon activities. Pascal then chauffeurs her to what seems to be his residence, situated north of Bucktown. His children are charming, and his grandson inquires about sleeping among other elderly gentlemen, reminding me of the grandparent scenario in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” I can’t help but think it would be fantastic if they actually did that. Joan finds herself charmed by Pascal’s family, who reciprocate her affection.

Afterward, she leisurely strolls to the downtown area and runs into Jordan on the riverwalk, right at the site of the Eastland tragedy. It’s hard to miss since there’s a memorial plaque there, but also because the structure behind them is actually in pictures from the disaster. It makes you wonder what the producers were thinking! Jordan leads her to Lou Malnati’s for some deep-dish pizza, which was quite a risky move on his part. Perhaps the same people who selected the Eastland location thought, “You two have to try deep-dish pizza and you have to do it downtown,” and he knew Pizzeria Uno wasn’t great and Giordano’s was just an excessive amount of cheese. Given those conditions, I would also choose Lou Malnati’s (which when I first arrived here, I thought was called “Illuminati’s”).

Furthermore, regarding our current discussion, it’s worth noting that Chicago residents don’t often request deep dish pizza. Therefore, let’s give them a break about their fantastic pizza, whether it’s tavern style or Pequod’s. Meanwhile, Jordan bought Joan a rainbow cake, which he considers the best in the nation. I’m unsure of its origin. His giving her a shot of Malort was quite amusing, though.

At Jordan’s residence, reminiscent of Roscoe Village but I can’t entirely vouch for that, we gather, where I meet his daughter, who happens to be gay, along with his brothers. Joan shares an anecdote about their date, expressing her belief that Chicagoans should naturally know how to ice skate. Frankly, Joan, your assumption that people from Chicago equate the Midwest with ice skating skills seems akin to viewing Montana through Ohio’s lens as one homogeneous mass. I can’t help but assume Minnesotans would be skilled in this winter activity given their freezing climate and abundance of lakes. In contrast, our humble city boasts just one lake, and I’m not venturing out onto that frigid expanse for a skate.

Jordan informs his daughter, who appears straight, that he’s neither in love nor planning a proposal within two weeks. So, it seems you’re wrapping things up then, mate. What’s your game plan? This is hometowns! Jordan seems to sense the danger as he rushes through, implying they all get along well. Joan is puzzled but still shares a kiss with him by the car. I believe their connection is strongest when kissing, though.

And then we’re in Wichita, Kansas. Joan calls Chock one of her strongest connections and says he has been from the beginning. “Yeah. We know,” I said resignedly. They meet at his friend’s ranch, so we don’t see Chock’s house, which I find suspicious. Where’s your house, Chock? We learn that Chock’s kids are named Taylor and Tyler, which I hate. They use the occasion to plant an oak tree to honor Chock’s recently deceased mother, Dr. Jill Cobb, who it turns out is amazing? Like, “became a doctor and flew to Bosnia to identify war victims” amazing? What if they stopped hometowns right then and made the rest of the episode a documentary about Dr. Cobb? They don’t do that, though. Instead, we watch Chock and his family play bocce ball.

Joan discusses her strong feelings for Chock, and later, Chock’s father hints at Chock having feelings for Joan, though he may not realize it himself. In response, Chock confesses his growing affection towards Joan, creating a heartwarming moment that suggests their relationship is deepening significantly. I must admit, I find this situation quite intense. Joan acknowledges Chock’s boldness, and expresses that this is precisely what she desired. Granted, it can be nerve-wracking to declare love on national television without knowing the other person’s reaction, but in this case, it seems like it was worth it.

During the rose ceremony, Joan is attired in a way that resembles an alluring fire hydrant. She shares with Jesse that her confidence in the relationships has decreased since the hometown visits, which is understandable. Interestingly, she mentions that two of the men are still quite reserved, while the other two have been more forthcoming with her. It’s hard for me to believe that Guy and Chock are considered “emotionally open.” I find this situation unfortunate for Joan. However, it’s possible they genuinely believe they’re being transparent, but they’re clearly not. On the other hand, she could have chosen Gary, but she declined his offer.

As a movie buff, I found myself in awe as Chock, Guy, and Pascal each received roses, while Jordan bid his farewells. His departure left no one surprised. Joan escorted him out, sharing her sentiments, “Time wasn’t on our side.” Perhaps she just longed to wrap this up. Maybe she wanted to inform the gentlemen that they were finally vacating the mansion and jetting off to Tahiti. Huzzah! What an exciting turn of events!

Golden Bachelorette Scoring

Each week, I’ll be awarding ten points, a golden badge, and a thumbs-up using the “Beach Games” method inspired by Michael Scott. However, instead of someone being pushed into a chocolate river, we’ll recognize outstanding achievements in a more traditional manner.

• Here are Ten Reasons: For Jordan’s daughter, Ali, and her partner, Kodee, since I set the guidelines and I was thrilled to witness Chicago women identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community on television.

• Gold Star: To Dr. Cobb for outshining every single man on this show.

• Thumbs-up: To the dog sheriff in Fievel Goes West. Man, I really loved that movie.

• Pushed Into a Chocolate River: Guy, for the wishes of Lake Tahoe.

2024-10-24 05:54

The Golden Bachelorette Recap: We Have Learned Nothing

Golden Bachelorette Scoring

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