Borderlands Is a Total Catastrophe

As a seasoned moviegoer with decades of experience under my belt, I must say that watching Eli Roth’s adaptation of Borderlands was akin to witnessing a cosmic collision of mediocrity and confusion. Having watched movies ranging from Citizen Kane to The Room, I can confidently assert that this film does not belong in the same galaxy as either.


I don’t play the video game Borderlands nor am I fond of Eli Roth’s films, so I was likely not the intended viewer for the film adaptation of Borderlands by Roth. However, my son is eager to watch it, so I will need to give it a second look. Unfortunately, it fell short of expectations – significantly so. It seems that Roth might have been replaced during production by Tim Miller, who also produced Borderlands and directed Deadpool, as there were reports he reshot much of the movie. Even Craig Mazin’s name was removed from the film credits. The movie has not received favorable reviews, to put it mildly. As a point of reference, Cate Blanchett completed work on Borderlands before she starred in Tár, which premiered at the Venice Film Festival two years ago.

Indeed, the renowned Cate Blanchett is featured in this film, and it’s a pity I can’t express that she shines like a beacon, imbuing her character, Lilith, the gruff interstellar bounty hunter, with humor, passion, and grit as she traverses the corporate-ridden planet Pandora alongside an unruly band of comrades. It’s almost as if there’s a clever wink in casting such a revered actress for this Han Solo-like role, and Blanchett undoubtedly possesses the range to make it work. However, her performance tends to hover around the level of poorly written skits rather than soaring above them. Her delivery of tough-guy lines like “I’m getting too old for this,” “I despise this planet,” and “We’ll need a vehicle” lacks depth, despite her attempt at lowering her voice to a gritty, cynical growl. She seems to be embracing the humor, yet her portrayal often falls flat.

In a comparable scenario, Kevin Hart portrays Roland, a soldier with a rebellious streak, assigned to safeguard Tina (Ariana Greenblatt), the fiery-tempered child of the universe’s formidable ruler, Atlas (Edgar Ramírez). Hart is known for his vibrant screen presence, and it appears he’s been enlisted to inject humor into the extravaganza. However, it seems the scriptwriters haven’t provided him with any humorous lines. It’s worth mentioning that Claptrap, a robot character voiced by Jack Black, does manage to elicit some chuckles.

In essence, Borderlands strives to blend humor with an engaging space-faring tale, complete with grand conflicts and pursuits. Characters like Tina possess unique abilities that are said to unlock the Eridian Vault, a repository of artifacts and technology from a long-lost civilization on Pandora. Atlas desires Tina due to his interest in the contents of the vault. However, the number of “keys” needed to open the Vault remains unclear – it could be one, two, or three. This ambiguity might stem from my lack of gaming experience, or perhaps the narrative coherence wasn’t a priority in this production.

One peculiar aspect that puzzles many about these studio rework projects is the question: “Where did the restoration go wrong?” This film appears to have been dismantled and depleted of its unique identity, plot, and continuity, possibly to squeeze in extra screenings. (The film runs for a flexible 100 minutes, as evidenced.) Scenes and narrative threads in Borderlands pass rapidly without much thought or purpose. The action is chaotic. Nothing seems connected, and very little is resolved. One of our team of protagonists is Krieg (Florian Munteanu), who we’re led to believe is an escaped psychopath. One would expect him to act in a psychopathic manner at some point during the film (“It’s time to lose control!”), but regrettably, this does not occur. At one instance, our heroes confront an entire army of escaped psychopaths (“These are the psychos that other psychos fear!”), yet they too fail to exhibit any truly psychotic behavior; they just yell a lot and are large.

In simpler terms, I’m saying that Eli Roth might not be at fault for the poor quality of “Borderlands.” Given his past works like “Hostel,” “Knock-Knock,” and “Cabin Fever,” one would expect him to create a thrilling sci-fi horror movie. However, despite my disliking the film, I find myself reminiscing about it with a strange fondness. The action sequences are choppy, and the integration of settings and characters seems unnatural, suggesting post-production issues rather than on-set incompetence. There might have been some incompetence as well, but it’s hard to believe there exists a good director’s cut of this film, as it is so terribly, disastrously bad. It seems that whoever attempted to salvage the movie actually made it worse.

Anyway, can’t wait to see it again.

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2024-08-09 21:53