The Federal Bureau of Investigation, ever the paragon of urgency, has issued a solemn warning to banks and the public: “Behold, the rise of the ATM marauders!” One might imagine the FBI as a stern schoolmaster, tapping a ruler against a desk, while the rest of the world yawns.
In a moment of unprecedented alarm, the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center has revealed that since 2020, over 1,900 “jackpotting” incidents have occurred. One wonders if the term “jackpotting” was coined by a man with a gambling problem and a penchant for melodrama.
Of these, a staggering 700 transpired in 2025 alone, leaving banks with a financial hangover of $20 million. The criminals, it seems, have mastered the art of turning ATMs into cash-dispensing automatons, much like a magician pulling rabbits from a hat-except the rabbits are $20 bills, and the hat is a stolen hard drive.
To execute their schemes, the villains employ generic keys, those ubiquitous tools of the trade, as common as a locksmith’s toolkit. One might ask, why not simply use a crowbar? But then, where would the romance of the heist lie?
Once inside, they swap out the hard drive for malware, a digital parasite that exploits Windows systems and the XFS software layer. It is a tale of technological betrayal, where even the most trusted systems turn against their masters.
This malware, with its sly cunning, bypasses bank authorization entirely, allowing criminals to command the ATM to “spew out money” as if it were a fountain of gold. One can almost picture the ATM as a disgruntled employee, grumbling, “Why not?”
The Department of Justice, ever eager to appear proactive, has charged dozens of individuals with Ploutus jackpotting. The Venezuelan gang Tren de Aragua, a name that sounds like a tango troupe, is alleged to be involved. Perhaps they should consider a career in banking.
The FBI, in its infinite wisdom, urges banks to replace standard locks, install vibration sensors, and enable hard-drive encryption. It is a list of measures so comprehensive, one might think the FBI has finally cracked the code to securing a coffee shop.
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2026-02-21 21:41