Skyrim’s hardest quest is raising my Fat Idiot Son

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The moment my eleven-year-old son was struck by an arrow, I felt like I’d failed as a parent. My son, Rufus—or, rather, the version of him in the Skyrim mod I created—is nicknamed ‘Fat Idiot Son.’ This mod aims to make the game more realistic and challenging by, essentially, adding a disappointing and clumsy child character to the experience.

Rufus is likely the result of a secret affair my character had eleven years prior, and he’s brought to life by a big wooden lever hidden behind the Honningbrew Meadery. The game jokingly displays a message saying “Enable Your Fat Idiot Son” when you move the mouse over the lever. The mod’s description warns that once Rufus is activated in your game, he’s permanently there, and he’s incredibly annoying!

I saw finishing Skyrim as a personal challenge. After hundreds of hours of playing, my character had explored every corner of the game’s world. I defeated the main dragon, and either destroyed or joined the vampire clan – I can’t quite remember which. I also dealt with the character from the Morrowind expansion, either killing him or trapping him somewhere. Basically, I’d completed everything the game had to offer, except for one real-life challenge: being a parent.

I saw Rufus as my greatest achievement – the ultimate test of my abilities. I intended to shape this awkward, disrespectful boy into a true man, a masterpiece that could even exceed my own accomplishments. He would be my crowning glory.

I hate my son

My biggest problem in finding an heir was simple: I didn’t have one to begin with. When you activate the mechanism at Honningbrew Meadery, Rufus doesn’t show up. Instead, a woman in robes runs across a bridge (in my game, she’s chased by a sabre-toothed tiger – it might have been part of the game, or just a lucky accident, I’m not sure) and tells you your son has been kidnapped by a group of witches.

I realized this would be his first real test, a stepping stone on his journey to becoming a man. Once I freed him from captivity, we – mother and son – would track down those who had taken him and bring them to justice. It would be his initiation into a harsh reality.

The plan quickly fell apart when Rufus decided to join our reunion by stubbornly staying put in his cage, with his nose touching the back rocks, and occasionally shouting “Hey!”

I was super focused, blasting through a ton of witches – seriously, I must have taken out like thirty of them – when I heard this guy yell, “Woah! A dead body!” The sound bounced all around the cave, echoing like twenty times. I didn’t even see him turn around, I was so in the zone.

Okay, so things didn’t exactly go smoothly at the beginning of this whole ‘dad’ thing, but I wasn’t giving up yet. Once we got out of that cave, I started trying to figure out what my little Rufus was even capable of. He went through the motions of holding a torch, but his hands were totally empty – honestly, it didn’t inspire a ton of confidence!

I asked him for a favor, but he said he wouldn’t tolerate being treated that way. I then suggested we exchange some items, but he just took my money. Finally, I told him I wanted to go my separate way, but he laughed and continued to follow me.

My son, Rufus – a slightly plump 11-year-old with just a toy sword – decided my plea to ‘wait a minute’ meant it was time to join a rebellion. He took off running, surprisingly fast, like a gazelle disappearing over the horizon.

I tried everything to reason with him, but he was determined to join a hateful, armed group. It wasn’t until I shot him with a special arrow, knocking him into a pile of stones, that he finally listened and agreed to come with me.

Party time

I was itching to get back into some combat, mostly because it’s the only thing in Skyrim I figured my son could actually handle. I looked around my map for a cave I hadn’t explored yet and ended up choosing Bloodchill Cavern. It just sounded like the perfect, slightly scary adventure to help ease him into the more grown-up stuff.

This was a whole thing.

It seems Bloodchill Cavern is one of over 6,000 pieces of content that automatically loads when you start Skyrim Anniversary Edition. It features a gathering at a mansion, and it’s pretty clear that many of the guests are vampires.

Instead of offering any helpful parenting guidance, the game Skyrim had me sit and read a letter explaining that someone—apparently now deceased—had thrown a party just to torment the guests. Predictably, the vampires showed up as vampires, and a huge gargoyle cornered my eleven-year-old son, who then proceeded to punch it repeatedly in the jaw.

It was incredibly unsettling. Everyone had died, and then, strangely, an orc showed up and gave me 1,500 gold, offering me the mansion as my own. All the while, my son’s body lay motionless on the floor. I was deeply troubled by everything that had happened.

High society

My little brother was definitely not ready for dangerous activities like cave diving or fighting, so I decided to teach him something a bit simpler: how to steal. I figured that was a good way to introduce him to the world.

I knelt by the fountain and told my son to start with something simple – like grabbing a bottle of wine from a nearby shop. Surprisingly, it worked! It wasn’t because Rufus was particularly sneaky, but the shopkeeper seemed completely uninterested and didn’t even notice the little, chubby boy taking something without paying.

As they say, pride comes before a fall, and I have to admit I made a mistake in how I was playing. I previously thought I could guide Rufus – just like controlling any other character – by using the ‘E’ key to point him at things. However, I incorrectly remembered that crouching and pointing him at a character would make him try to steal from them.

It didn’t happen as planned. Rufus suddenly attacked a wealthy man named Aquillius Aeresius, yelling and charging with a wooden sword. The city immediately went on high alert. I found myself quickly surrounded by guards, Aeresius’ wife was screaming, and the man was running away in fear while my son relentlessly struck him in the back, even as he pleaded for his life.

I’m both proud and disturbed to share that this was the only time Rufus ever truly killed someone during our years together. Aeresius didn’t defend himself, instead pleading for his life, and the guards were focused on me. My dog, Rufus, did a surprisingly good job of slowly killing the man, even though there wasn’t any clear reason to do so.

Things had gotten pretty messy. I was standing amidst a pile of fallen guards, and Aeresius’ wife was just… frozen, completely speechless right in the street. There weren’t many guards left standing. It hadn’t exactly gone as planned, but maybe, just maybe, Rufus and I could still get out of this alive.

Okay, so my character had just gotten his first kill and was totally hyped. He ran at the last guard, yelling “Surprise!”… but got one-shotted by an arrow right to the head. Seriously, one arrow! It was a little embarrassing, but hey, that’s gaming, right?

My family isn’t easily defeated. Rufus immediately jumped up and charged the guard again, then surprisingly tried a flying scissor kick. It didn’t work – he was swatted out of the air and landed face-first in the dirt of Solitude.

I do not think I am a good parent.

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2025-11-22 21:04