Vanguard, the second-largest asset manager on the planet (because who needs privacy?), suddenly decided to let its customers trade Bitcoin ETFs in December. But let’s not get too excited-this isn’t a sudden epiphany about crypto’s virtues. It’s more of a “we’ll let you play with this, but don’t expect us to like it” kind of move. 🤷♂️
Proof? John Ameriks, Vanguard’s top quant guru, dropped this bombshell at a Bloomberg conference: Bitcoin is basically a “digital Labubu.” For the uninitiated, Labubu is a plush toy collectible that’s probably worth exactly zero but somehow sells for hundreds online. Genius, right? 🐻
Why Bitcoin Is Just a Glorified Stuffed Animal (With Worse ROI)
Ameriks, armed with a vocabulary that could make a spreadsheet blush, explained that Bitcoin lacks the “income, compounding, and cash-flow properties” Vanguard usually requires for investments. In other words, it doesn’t pay rent, it doesn’t grow crops, and it won’t buy you a latte. It’s just a fancy, digital version of a Tamagotchi with no expiration date. 🐣
He also noted that Bitcoin’s underlying tech-blockchain, the “revolutionary” ledger system-has yet to prove it delivers “durable economic value.” Spoiler: It hasn’t. Yet. But hey, maybe it will! If “yet” means “never,” that is. 🕒
Vanguard’s refusal to launch its own crypto ETFs is less about innovation and more about “we’re not insane enough to bet our trillion-dollar reputation on this.” Still, they’ll let you buy third-party crypto funds if you insist, just don’t expect them to say “I told you so” when it all crashes. 🚨
“We allow people to hold these ETFs if they wish, but they do so with discretion,” Ameriks said, which is Wall Street speak for “you’re on your own, pal.”
But wait! There’s a tiny sliver of hope: Ameriks admitted Bitcoin might have non-speculative value in “high-inflation environments” or “political instability.” Translation: Maybe it’s useful if your country is a dumpster fire. 🏛️🔥
“If you see reliable price movement in those scenarios, we can talk,” he said. “But you don’t have that yet-history’s too short.”
Bitcoin’s Price: A Rollercoaster for the Emotionally Unprepared
As if to underline the drama, Bitcoin’s price has been a sob story lately. It’s currently trading at ~$90,380-a 30% dip from its peak. That’s like buying a brand-new car and watching it depreciate by $30k in a month. Ouch. 🚗💸
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2025-12-13 20:56