The White Lotus Kill or Be Killed Report: Bad Moon Rising

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The White Lotus Kill-or-Be-Killed Report is a weekly check-in with the guests and employees at this cursed hotel chain to speculate who’s most likely to murder, and/or end up murdered, following this week’s episode, “Full Moon Party.”

The full moon is out. The Victory Lap blondes are taking shots. The Ratliff brothers are kissing with tongue. The White Lotus security team continues to be utterly disinterested in securing the White Lotus; meanwhile, all of the wrong people are getting guns. We are inching ever closer to the answer we seek, which is: What is my spiritual purpose?

No, not Piper, she’s not the one to think about when it comes to something that doesn’t matter much to me. Let’s focus on the question we really care about: Who will do the killing and who will get killed?

Gaitok

I would love to feel badly for Gaitok, but he is a doofus whose every misery is something he brought upon himself. The man cannot walk without stepping on a rake and my sympathy for him is at zero. If I saw security footage of a very wealthy and insane-seeming guest at my hotel having an absolute meltdown before breaking in* (*the door was not even locked!!) to the little security shack and stealing** (**again, the gun was not secured in any way) a firearm, I would not just approach him, unarmed, and say, “I cannot find something. I think you have it.” He is asking for death and I will not be able to grieve him if it comes, sorry!

The fact that, after all this, he yet again leaves the security station unmanned only to run into his boss, Fabian, who politely inquires after the booth and whether anyone is occupying it…

Will he kill or be killed? At present he seems very likely to kill, in some misguided attempt at chivalry or valor.

Fabian

A workplace’s tone is set at the top and it is clear to me, upon getting to know Fabian better, why the security apparatus at this White Lotus hotel is so dysfunctional. Of course he should’ve fired Gaitok already; having not already fired him, he should have fired him the minute he spotted this dork wandering moon-eyed around the performance area waiting for Mook to smile in his direction. Yet he permits Gaitok to linger even though he knows there’s no one in the security booth?! There was literally just an armed robbery?!?

Later we see Fabian ignore Belinda’s concern about Greg-Gary so completely that I wonder if it is possible he is in on whatever scam Greg-Gary is running at the hotel — a piece of the action for looking the other way? Or is he just so bad at his job that the other way is the only way he knows to look?

Will he kill or be killed? As with Gaitok, I am feeling like Fabian could end up being a killer in the most ham-fisted way possible, just given the general idiocy happening around here.

Saxon

More koans from the lore of Saxon: Most people just want to be used because “they don’t have the vision” for their own lives; he doesn’t DO drugs, he IS the drug. Frankly I am amazed that, given his my-body-is-a-temple practices, Saxon can withstand so many toxins without ending the night kneeling over a toilet. Actually, the fact that nobody vomits is very impressive to me — really it’s the stuff of fantasy, but that’s what these escapist pleasure shows are all about.

Do we think he was secretly relieved to finally be Frenching his brother? Can’t wait to see how he feels in the morning!

Will he kill or be killed? I still think he could die, maybe through a mix-up or vengeance plot involving Greg-Gary?

Lochlan

Lochlan ponders whether life serves as an examination to help us evolve into better individuals. Could it be that he succeeded in this test by sharing a passionate kiss with his brother?

Will he kill or be killed? I feel like we are headed down a path where Saxon is all talk and Lochlan is the man of action. So he is leaning more killer to me… but still a less likely culprit than the monkeys (more on them below).

Piper

Though this episode picks up the pace for our other Ratliff children, unfortunately Piper is saddled with the dullest plot of the lot. This week finds her summoning the courage to tell her parents that she wants to move to Thailand after graduation so she can meditate and “develop my spirituality.” I’m not going to say that’s a silly plan — it’s actually a canonical post-graduation thing for a rich white girl to do, and why should Piper defy her nature? But I will say that if Piper needs her parents’ buy-in for this adventure (it’s not clear that she does, though their approval seems important to her), she should’ve thought through a better pitch.

To begin her efforts on more stable footing, I would have recommended not lying about the thesis in the first place — after all, why not just write the thesis, if the subject matter is of interest? Or is she afraid to stress-test her intellectual curiosity and find it wanting? And anticipating blowback from her parents, which clearly she did because she asked the no-show Lochlan to back her up in advance, why didn’t Piper prepare a more compelling argument? Did she really think telling her parents that their values (Christian by way of capitalism; I believe the Righteous Gemstones call this “prosperity gospel”?) are “bullshit” was going to endear them to her cause? Victoria and I have this much in common: Piper is turning out to be a real disappointment to the both of us.

Will she kill or be killed? The girl spent a full 25 minutes of this episode at dinner and then the rest of the hour meditating. Yet again I yearn for anything to happen to/for her, but it’s gonna be tough if she never gets out of her room!

Victoria

Without her Lorazepam, Victoria is spiraling, even forgetting the name of the country where she currently is located and has been for several days. (Re: her daughter’s imminent move to this exact location: “You want to live in Tawain?”) What was your favorite part of her horrified response to Piper’s plan? Mine was her retort to Piper’s assertion of the monk’s legitimacy being that he’d written books: “So? Charles Manson wrote books! Bill Clinton wrote a book! Hillary Clinton wrote FIVE books!” Again, the accent work — “I am going to have to drink mah-self tuh sleep!” — is an absolute delight.

I feel really sad that his obvious signs of wanting to take his own life are being overlooked amidst their heated argument, and the women seem oblivious. It’s a heart-wrenching situation as a movie lover watching this unfold on screen.

Will she kill or be killed? She seems safe to me on both counts, though I’m eager to hear your take on her odds in the comments!

Timothy

Distracted, sweaty, useless. Says basically nothing except extremely on-the-nose things about goodness and his fall from grace, for instance he was a literal altar boy — the irony!!! Get it?!? When Victoria caught him in the act of writing a suicide note and asked him what was wrong, I wrote in my notes please for the love of God just come out with it already but instead he went on some dumb riff about “expectations.” Again Victoria’s reply is such a setup. (“You’ve already succeeded in every way!”)

I’m eagerly hoping that she has been aware of the situation all along, but it seems to me that she is heavily under the influence of alcohol and drugs, leaving her oblivious to everything going on. Frankly, the fact that no one in Timothy’s family is privy to his business is starting to wear thin. Let’s escalate this! Kick him out! Watch as his family falls apart!

Will he kill or be killed? Well, we know he yearns for death. But the White Lotus is hardly a wish-fulfillment factory, so I believe he is going to make it out of here alive, having not even gotten the opportunity to kill someone else.

Chloe

Chloe has it all figured out and the only catch is she is pretty sure Greg-Gary could kill her. Seems like a real dealbreaker, Chloe!! Can’t you find some rich guy with a boat who doesn’t seem like he’d murder you? The bar really is on the floor. Excellent work with Chelsea, egging on the boys into making out with each other, much to Lochlan’s (apparent) delight and Saxon’s (inevitable) horror.

Will she kill or be killed? She is predicting her own demise! I root for her survival but I fear for her death.

Greg-Gary

Will he kill or be killed? Chloe fears for her life while I fear for a plot we’ve seen before to be copy-and-pasted right into this new season. I continue to hold out hope that Greg-Gary is dead in the water!

Chelsea

While Chloe’s life choices are extremely ill-advised/deluded, her counsel for Chelsea remains sound: Chelsea worries that her “fucking mental” boyfriend can’t take care of himself, and Chloe wisely admonishes her: “He is fifty.” I worried about Chelsea drawing the sexual short straw re: being stuck with Saxon, but the whole thing ends up being a group hang. We don’t see how the rest of the night pans out, but my sense is Chelsea blissfully slept alone, snuggling a pillow and thinking about her loser boyfriend. At least her eye makeup looks fantastic. Very Euphoria.

Will she kill or be killed? I hope she is a killer. I just think her dying here would be sort of pathetic and sad, whereas her becoming a killer could be fun and empowering for us all!

Jaclyn

Classic “hottest”-girl-in-the-friend-group power move for Jaclyn to spend DAYS hyping up Laurie in her pursuit of Valentin only to, the minute the opportunity presents itself, hook up with him herself. Violating girl code and her wedding vows in one fell swoop. We love a multitasker!

It appears that her chances of survival are diminishing and I’m growing concerned that she might not survive this situation, rather than causing someone else’s demise.

Laurie

The trio, including Laurie, is showing off fantastic dance skills (not just Laurie, but everyone). Our girl demonstrates that she can hold her own in various areas – drinking, dancing, and even removing her top by the pool! She also gets so drunk accidentally that she goes on a ramble about being an exceptional lawyer.

I’m sure in the morning if/when she finds out Jaclyn had sex with Valentin she will feel livid and betrayed, but from my sober-eyed vantage point I think she had the best night of the bunch: She had the time of her life flirting and sexy-dancing with Valentin — a scammer who cannot be trusted — only to successfully peel away, do a happy little towel dance, and fall asleep sprawled out in her villa’s luxurious bed.

Will she kill or be killed? This week, I am marking her safe on both counts.

Kate

Poor Kate. Who among us has not been, for whatever reason — being on antibiotics, pregnant, too hungover from the previous night’s shenanigans, a conscientious objector to alcohol consumption, etc. — the only person at the party sober enough to realize you are staying too long at the fair? Of course she is correct that it is dangerous to bring the boys back to the villa; equally unsurprising is that nobody listens to her. Loved to see her in her pajamas while everyone else committed to skinny-dipping.

Given her escalating anger and my belief that she possesses the skills to handle a firearm, I predict a confrontation between her and someone else may lead to lethal results.

Valentin

Well, he probably had his eyes on Jaclyn the whole time—he strikes me as the obvious and unimaginative sort, also he’s a scammer and Jaclyn is the most easily scammed of the victory-lap blondes. What’s his end game? I think theft over murder, though we’ve all seen how the latter can follow the former…

Will he kill or be killed? I think he could die, perhaps by grifting like there’s no tomorrow.

Vlad

Perfect one-liners here, including, “My parents are dead and my sister is a bitch” and, “I did exercise with tires.” As a writer I want to take a moment to note this incredible storytelling from Vlad, who has managed to convey his entire history — while also engaging in exciting, plot-moving conduct — in the sort of punchy, memorable fashion that I wish the rest of this series could adopt.

Is it possible that he could end up in a dangerous situation, if his secret lover (the woman we saw together at the club) finds out about him flirting with other people?

Belinda

Why does Belinda think it is necessary to ask the useless Fabian for his opinion with regard to calling the police? (Her delivery of “he liiiiiied!” was so good, though.) Fortunately she has her beloved Pornchai to protect her from enemies foreign (Greg-Gary) and domestic (lizard). I’m happy their platonic overnight escalated to a share-the-bed sleepover. “Either way, this is consent, do you guys do that here?” Natasha Rothwell is consistently, criminally underutilized and when she gets good stuff to do she really delivers. She deserves all this and more!

Will she kill or be killed? The minute Fabian said “I think you’ll survive,” I decided to fear for Belinda’s safety more than I ever have.

Pornchai

Very smooth with the lizard removal; very chivalrous with the spending-the-night. I want only good things for him.

I’ll acknowledge him as a fighter who takes lives, but only under specific circumstances. If anything happens to him, I won’t rejoice.

Frank

Always good to see Sam Rockwell, even for a tangent that feels like it was basically designed to give him a bizarre, meandering monologue that does not serve the show in any real way. Did this work for you? I understand much of this show is about coasting on casting but, per my previous email, this is not the kind of thing I can get behind in a 60-minute episode of television.

Will he kill or be killed? Doesn’t seem central enough to do either, no? It would be sort of anticlimactic for our big killer to be somebody we didn’t even meet until more than midway through the season.

Rick

There’s clear evidence showing Rick doesn’t deserve Chelsea: He doesn’t even have her photo saved as her contact! When she calls, all he sees is an empty screen; this is a betrayal to girlfriends everywhere. In addition, when it comes to his new weapon, Rick needs his buddy to assist with a “little role-play” – at least now we know Frank has a unique interest in that area!

Will he kill or be killed? The man is out here tempting fate and trying me. He will be KILLED. Or at least he should be!

Keeping an eye on:

Those Russian girls from the dance floor who are in some sort of entanglement with the gentlemen recklessly pursuing the victory-lap blondes; Alexei, who tells Laurie she “needs a man to take care of her” but also, I assume, is clocking her wealth for future grifting possibilities; the monkeys from the premiere, who I still believe are our most likely culprits, EITHER as killers themselves or as menaces who some panicked person will attempt to shoot out of the trees.

2025-03-17 06:12