The Valley Recap: Schwatzapo-Losers

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Someone once said a bad party is worse than no party at all, and this episode proves it. Almost the whole group – everyone except Jason and Lacy – heads to Punta Mita, Mexico to celebrate Schwartz, Zack, and Danny’s birthdays, and honestly, I wish they’d all stayed home. None of them seem ready for a trip right now. Brittany is still recovering from surgery and needs a wheelchair, which is a bit much for an elective procedure. Danny and Nia are traveling with a baby and a nanny, and Kristen and Luke, who are constantly arguing, are bringing their infant, her sister, brother-in-law, and a whole lot of emotional drama – Jet Blue practically charged them a fortune in baggage fees! (That was in Mexican pesos, but the symbol is the same. I learned that from Gemini AI, by the way.)

Honestly, this trip seems like a disaster. As soon as everyone gets there – Zack, Benji, Schwartz, Danny, and Luke – they’re stuck at the swim-up bar just as a storm rolls in. They’re huddled under a roof, attempting to enjoy their drinks while getting soaked, and even Zack’s hair is ruined, which only adds to the misery. Nobody seems happy about being there, including me! It makes you wonder if we really need a group trip every season. Considering how many people are out with babies or health issues, wouldn’t it have been easier (and more fun) to just go to the Chuck E Cheese in the Valley, like they did for Erika Jayne’s party on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

The conflict begins even before the group leaves for their trip. Kristen visits Brittany, and they argue about where their loyalties should lie with Nia and Danny. Brittany claims she cares for both, but suspects Nia sometimes acts nice for the cameras. Kristen doesn’t understand why people assume there’s something more going on with the couple. We then get a glimpse of the situation through Jasmine and Zack’s conversation about Danny secretly drinking at Zack’s housewarming, and the infamous Monster energy drink collection. Danny’s hesitant to be open about his drinking because he fears upsetting the group, but Zack points out that if everyone knew he was drinking responsibly, they might stop worrying about him becoming overly rowdy. However, keeping it a secret only makes it seem like he has something to hide. It’s a bit like getting plastic surgery – either be honest about it, or don’t, but don’t lie when it’s obvious something has changed.

Okay, so this episode takes things to a… unique place. We find Zack and Jasmine mid-butt facial – yes, you read that right! It immediately begs the question: is it really a facial if it’s not on your face? I’m leaving that debate for the internet experts. But amidst all this, a surprisingly vulnerable conversation unfolds about Zack’s uncertainty regarding having children and how that impacts his relationship with Benji, who definitely wants them. It gets emotional; tears are flowing while he’s lying there with his cheeks exposed! The facial technician even casually mentions people cry during these treatments, which… honestly? I’m skeptical. There’s a certain code of conduct for both baseball and butt facials, and I suspect Zack is the first person to break them both. Strangely enough, despite the slightly bizarre setting and emotional breakdown, it actually made me consider booking one of those butt facials myself. Don’t judge.

The trip got off to a rough start with Kristen having an anxiety attack as soon as we landed. She’s always been a nervous traveler – something she and I have in common. While changing her baby’s diaper, some fans tried to take pictures of her, which wasn’t cool. Look, I get the excitement of seeing someone from TV in person, but let’s remember these are people too! Let Kristen have some privacy while she’s dealing with a messy job. A bathroom isn’t the place for sneaky photos. If you wait outside and approach her politely, she’d probably be happy to pose with you – and might even introduce you to everyone else! Janet would definitely want pictures too. Being kind is the best way to get what you want from any of the cast… except maybe Ramona Singer. If you see Ramona, stay at least 30 feet away for your own safety!

Luke and Kristen argued constantly throughout the trip, making the whole experience unpleasant. Honestly, I think they both contributed to the problem and could resolve it by compromising. Kristen is understandably stressed – she’s traveling with a young baby so soon after giving birth, and she just wants to focus on spending time with her daughter. If I were making the show, I wouldn’t have sent them on this trip at all. But since they’re there and have help, she should at least try to enjoy herself a bit. She’s right that Kaia is growing up quickly, but that’s always true – there will always be new milestones and things to cherish, and she needs to accept that. If she doesn’t, she risks being overly protective and, eventually, becoming a helicopter parent who embarrasses her daughter – like showing up to college classes with her. Being with Kaia constantly just isn’t realistic.

Luke is being unreasonable by pressuring Brittany so early after having a baby – only four months in! He admits he doesn’t understand what she’s dealing with emotionally and physically, and she really needs at least nine to twelve months to adjust to motherhood. Brittany is right to ask for more patience; Luke should step back a bit and listen to Kristen’s advice. As Brittany pointed out, this difficult phase won’t last forever. If Luke were more understanding and less critical, Brittany might not be so harsh with him. Their interaction – like when he announced he was going swimming and she sarcastically replied about taking care of their daughter – was incredibly frustrating to watch.

Kristen is, as usual, making firm declarations about her life and Luke’s, and it’s not always clear if they’re accurate. She claims motherhood has ended her desire to party, but who knows if that will last? She might very well want a night out with Scheana in a few years. She also says Luke enjoys socializing and partying more than she does, and that’s fine – she could let him have that without making him feel bad. It really comes down to finding a middle ground. She refuses to go to brunch at Tom Tom, but why not occasionally surprise Luke with a fun outing just the two of them? He’d appreciate her doing something she doesn’t particularly enjoy to make him happy, and it would strengthen their bond. Instead of digging their heels in, they need to support each other and remember they’re raising a child together, as a team.

If I were Kristen, I wouldn’t have worried about missing Tom’s Schwartzapolooza – it sounds awful! It was meant to be a fun beach bonfire, but it rained, and everyone ended up crammed under an awning covered in glitter, eating unappetizing food. They tried to make it festive with glow sticks and even gave Schwartz a silly birthday sash, but Danny’s constant yelling of “Let’s go!” couldn’t save the party from being a total bust.

Eventually, things had fallen apart completely. Everyone on the team was either hurt, arguing, or just didn’t want to participate anymore. Tom finally went back to the suite he shared with Zack and Benji. He took off the flower crown – the same one he’d worn at Coachella – and pulled his white lace shirt over his head. Looking at the rainbow sash on his bed, a memory surfaced, reminding him of someone he’d loved in the past. He walked into the living area connecting the bedrooms and gently knocked on Zack and Benji’s door, opening it before they could answer. “Guys…” he said quietly, then stopped short as he saw Zack and Benji kissing passionately in the dim light.

“Tom!” Zack shouted, a little upset and confused.

“I… I really miss Tom,” Schwartz stammered. Benji moved away from Zack and made space for Schwartz on the bed, then opened his arms in a welcoming gesture. Schwartz settled between them and began kissing both Benji and Zack, alternating between them as their bodies connected. They playfully tumbled around until Schwartz ran his hand over Zack’s backside. “Wow, that feels amazing,” he murmured before returning to the intimate moment.

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2026-06-18 05:57