The Golden Bachelor Recap: The Roast of Mel Owens

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Here’s another episode of The Golden Bachelor, and I’m once again asking myself: who at ABC-Disney-Lunchables do I need to send to the Fantasy Suite to get a comedy challenge hosted?! Seriously! A comedy writing contest where the women get to playfully tease the Bachelor? That’s exactly what I’m good at. Have I ever hosted or participated in a roast before? Not really. But can I think of more things to joke about with Mel than just something he said on a podcast? Absolutely. He *only* wears comfortable, formal slip-ons. And I don’t think he asks any of the Golden ladies a single question the whole episode! He even uses the word “pizzazz” – ironically! Roasted! Please, executives, let me help these women create a funny and clever sketch comedy show about love and sex as they navigate their 60s and beyond.

Let’s get into it.

Wow, this season is going by so quickly, isn’t it? It’s already exceeding every season of The Bachelor (and surprisingly, the latest season of Project Runway) by having someone eliminated in each episode. However, I wish we’d learned more about Mel. I’m tired of him being criticized for something he said on a sports podcast, and I’m hoping he’ll start showing more emotion. I want to see him really longing, Mel. I want to see him cry. I even want to see him wearing shoes with a LEATHER UPPER. It’s time for him to improve.

Nicolle, Geri, Robin, Amy, Monica B., Cindy, Terri, Cheryl, Carol… honestly, listing everyone except Debbie is tiring. Debbie immediately bursts into tears, and I’m telling you, if this doesn’t work out for her, she *needs* to be the next Golden Bachelorette. The women cheer for Debbie while Cindy is visibly suffering. This week’s date is supposedly to showcase Mel’s ability to handle criticism? He’s getting advice from comedian and podcast host Jared Freid. I think this would have been the perfect chance to bring in a roast comedian to help the women write jokes. Nikki Glaser or Deborah Vance would have been ideal. Cheryl doesn’t even understand what a roast is; she keeps asking if the goal is just to be as mean as possible. Meanwhile, Carol left her reading glasses at home and is stumbling around the theater, asking everyone for spare pairs and literally bumping into walls. On The Golden Bachelor set, we desperately need a bowl full of reading glasses. We should also have a bowl of condoms and latex-safe lubricants, but let’s save that for later in the season.

The roast is on! First up is Monica B., and she absolutely crushes it. “Mel is like a classic car, strong, sexy, and you don’t go over 60.” Amazing! She ends her performance by jokingly telling all the women to leave. Next is Cheryl, who bluntly tells Mel he’s not far from needing a scooter at the airport. Ouch! Terri brings out her puppet, but it’s not really landing with the audience. Amy decides to ditch her prepared material and just goes off on a rant about the house and how much she does for everyone. Jared “saves” Amy by comparing her set to a voicemail from his mom and advising Mel not to marry her. Jared! That’s out of line! Nicolle jokes about making out with Mel in the pool and offers to check the IDs of women approaching him. Then it’s Carol’s turn, and she quips that Mel has a thing for women aged 40 to 60 – which they have in common! She also says the women were hoping for a wealthy quarterback! Burn! On her way back to her seat, she accidentally falls into an open sewer grate. Mel decides which woman he’ll take on a date, and he chooses Nicolle! No surprise there!

They go to a romantic dinner, and Nicolle immediately starts asking Mel about his divorce. She learns the main points: they were married for 25 years, his wife ended things abruptly, and he’s open to getting remarried. But I want someone to really press for details. Nicolle asks, “What do you mean she didn’t even *talk* to you about it, she just *told* you it was over?” and “What role did you play in the breakup?” She even asks, “How often did she ask you to unload the dishwasher?” She wants all the details. Nicolle has been married twice herself and is hoping for a third marriage to last a lifetime. I really appreciate that perspective. Mel feels a real connection with Nicolle, and that’s something you can’t fake. She gets the rose. Then, he repeats a joke that Monica B. told during the roast. See? That’s all he does – repeat the ladies’ jokes!

The next day at the mansion, Debbie is getting excited for her date with Mel – though that’s a bit further down the line. Debbie has really established herself with a strong identity in the house: she’s Never Been Married. I’d happily wait another 12 years for a romantic comedy starring her, reminiscent of Drew Barrymore. Mel picks up Debbie, and he appreciates her adventurous spirit. He didn’t want a typical dinner date; he was hoping for a slightly more interesting one. They go to a restaurant and meet Chef Ludo Lefebvre, known as the rebel of the culinary world. Together, they make an omelet. Apparently, when you’re in your 60s, having an omelet after 7 p.m. is quite the undertaking! Mel and Debbie can’t stop touching each other – it’s not overly affectionate, but they’re always making physical contact. Debbie is delighted to playfully tap his rear. While they’re eating, Debbie explains how the first season of the show gave her hope that she’d find love, prompting her to apply. Mel repeatedly calls her beautiful. Ultimately, she receives the rose.

While Debbie and Mel are on their date, things get wild at Bachelor Mansion with a surprise visit from Kathy and Susan, our favorites from season one – it’s a SLUMBER PARTY!!!!!! Seriously, I’d watch ten episodes of just this. And Just Like That… could have learned a thing or two from a Golden Bachelor slumber party. The ladies play Never Have I Ever, and Geri subtly reveals she’s part of the Mile High Club with a large bite of ice cream. She’s definitely one of a kind! Susan and Kathy share the same advice with everyone: be bold and kiss him! Cindy is upset watching Mel interact with other women, and Amy stands out – she’s into football and beer. Before leaving, Susan and Kathy gift everyone vibrators and give a demonstration of how to use them for “your muscles.” Peg needed a producer to confirm in a confessional that, yes, they are actual vibrators. For your vagina.

The Cocktail Party is starting! All the women are eager to share a kiss. They form a line and each give Mel a single, polite kiss. Carol quickly pulls him aside, but she’s clearly unsure how to flirt. She keeps repeating “Well, you’re handsome and… handsome” until Mel asks her about her favorite sports team, which brings her back to the moment. They share a quick kiss. Robin then sits with him, playfully mentioning she’s been practicing her flirting, flips her hair, and gives him a wink. Robin definitely has charisma! Cindy joins Mel and, after he compliments her hair, she decides to take a chance.

The Rose Ceremony has arrived. Unfortunately, four women won’t be continuing their journey. Cindy, Peg, Roxane, Geri, Cheryl, and Robin all receive roses, with the last rose going to Carol. That means Amy, Terri, and both Monicas will be going home! Terri quickly grabs her puppet, and I have a feeling we’ll see them on Bachelor in Paradise sometime in the future. Paradise always appreciates a good, unique element.

Next week, things heat up with Peg and Mel enjoying a date at the fairgrounds, followed by a beach photoshoot that really rubs people the wrong way! Plus, we’re all wondering if Nicolle is genuinely here for the right reasons? (Let’s be real, probably not, you guys!)

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2025-10-02 07:55