MicroStrategy: Can It Survive a 90% Bitcoin Crash? 🚀

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In a manner that would make a more timid investor clutch their pearls, Mr. Saylor, with the gravity of a man addressing a particularly stubborn cow, has declared that MicroStrategy is as impervious to a Bitcoin crash as a brick wall is to a feather. “Even if BTC were to nosedive like a lead balloon at a skydiving convention,” he opined, “we’d merely shrug and suggest a spot of tea.”

During a recent colloquy with Grant Cardone (a man whose enthusiasm for sales could power a small nation), Saylor, with the air of a chess grandmaster explaining checkmate to a toddler, outlined a balance sheet so robust it could outlast a particularly aggressive fern in the Amazon. “Should Bitcoin plummet 90%, we’d merely dilute the equity-because nothing says ‘confidence’ like handing shareholders a free holiday in Equity-ville, population: zero.”

The Art of Not Selling

When pressed on the matter of liquidation (a term Saylor treats with the same warmth as a soggy crumpet), he scoffed. “We’d rather sell shares to a goldfish than part with our BTC. Equity holders, dear friends, are the sacrificial lambs of this feast. Their dilution, a minor inconvenience akin to finding a sock missing in the laundry.”

Bondholders, meanwhile, are left in a state of existential limbo. “Should Bitcoin vanish like a mirage in a desert of despair,” Saylor mused, “then yes, bonds may default. But let us not dwell on such gloom-it’s as likely as my learning to play the cello.”

The Halving Hoax Exposed

Saylor, ever the iconoclast, dismissed the sacred four-year halving cycle with the disdain of a man who’s seen too many bad puns. “Those cycles? A charming relic, like rotary phones. The real drama now is Jerome Powell’s love-hate affair with interest rates and the sort of money moves that make hedge funds weep into their cocktails.”

“Twenty million dollars’ worth of BTC daily? Pfft,” he said, waving a hand as if shooing away a particularly persistent mosquito. “In a market where billions vanish faster than a politician’s ethics, it’s barely a footnote. The future of Bitcoin? It’s being written by central bankers with coffee-stained ties and derivatives traders who think ‘risk’ is a four-letter word.”

At press time, Bitcoin hovered at $95,624, a figure so lofty it could only be appreciated by eagles and the very wealthy. One might be forgiven for thinking the entire saga reads like a farcical opera, where the libretto is penned by a sleep-deprived economist.

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2025-11-17 12:30