Anton and James Peraire-Bueno, those paragons of blockchain virtue, now find themselves entangled in a legal tango as prosecutors demand a retrial “as soon as practicable”-a phrase as vague as a poet’s love letter. Will February or March bear witness to their second act? Only time, and perhaps a judge’s patience, shall tell.
In a filing so earnest it could make a philosopher yawn, the U.S. government implored the court to schedule the trial for late February or early March 2026. One wonders if the prosecution’s definition of “practicable” includes a holiday for the jury’s mental well-being. 🤷♂️
The mistrial, declared after jurors failed to agree on a verdict, was less a failure of will than a testament to the complexity of modern finance. After three days of deliberation, the panel’s collective brainpower must have melted like ice in a crypto wallet. ❄️
Charged with crimes so technical they require a PhD to comprehend, the brothers allegedly used MEV bots to siphon $25 million from Ethereum. A feat of ingenuity, if one ignores the pesky details like “illegality” and “morality.” 🤖⚖️
The crypto world, ever the drama queen, watches with bated breath. A guilty verdict could turn Ethereum from a digital ledger into a cautionary tale. Decades in prison await the brothers-if the jury can agree on the plot twist. 🕰️
What Could Change in a Second Trial?
Jurors deliberated for three days, a marathon of confusion, before admitting defeat. Their questions about “good faith” suggest they might need a refresher course in ethics from a philosopher-preferably one who charges by the hour. 💡
A public letter revealed that half the jury wept uncontrollably, while others counted sheep for weeks. One suspects the real crime here is the judicial system’s inability to provide better snacks. 🐑☕
The judge, still silent on a date, likely contemplates whether humanity can survive another month of sequestered jurors. A decision may arrive when the calendar feels like a thriller novel. 📅
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2025-11-13 00:38