In a twist that feels like a bad Tehran soap opera 🎭, one of Iran’s largest private banks, Ayandeh Bank, has gone belly-up. 🏦💥 Over 42 million customers are now left clutching their pearls (or their empty wallets) as their assets get swallowed by the state-owned Bank Melli. Talk about a hostile takeover! 😬
According to local media outlet Iran International (aka the Iranian gossip column), Ayandeh Bank waved the white flag 🏳️ on Thursday after racking up $5.1 billion in losses and $3 billion in debt. 💸💸💸 The Central Bank of Iran tried to play hero 🦸♂️ but failed miserably, leaving officials with no choice but to shut down its 270 branches nationwide. 📉
Meanwhile, CBI Governor Mohammad Reza Farzin is out here saying, “Don’t worry, your savings are safe!” 🗣️💰 Sure, Jan. Because trusting banks that operate on fractional reserves and constantly beg for bailouts has never backfired before. 🙄
Fun fact: Satoshi Nakamoto probably watched similar banking fiascos 👀 and thought, “Screw this, I’m creating Bitcoin.” Bitcoin’s genesis block even includes a cheeky reference to the UK government bailing out banks. 🏴☠️💰
Speaking of Bitcoin, remember early 2023 when Silicon Valley Bank, Signature Bank, and Silvergate Bank all went kaput? 💥 Bitcoin shot up from $20K to $29K as people lost faith in the US banking system. Crypto bros were LIVING. 🚀 Meanwhile, regional US banks are still sweating bullets 💧 despite boosting reserves since March. Not a great look, tbh. 🤷♀️
Eight More Banks on the Brink 🚨
Iran’s banking system is basically a house of cards 🃏 built on sanctions and a rapidly depreciating rial. Earlier this year, the Central Bank warned that eight other banks 💣 are teetering on the edge of dissolution unless they shape up. Spoiler alert: they probably won’t. 🚫
And let’s not forget Iranian crypto exchanges! Nobitex got hit with an $81 million hack 💻💰 in June, making it one of the biggest contributors to Iran’s crypto flows dropping 11% until July. Add some conflicts with Israel 🇮🇱 to the mix, and you’ve got yourself a full-blown financial 🎢.
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2025-10-27 05:26