Everything I Saw and Overheard at the ‘Human’ Oscars

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It’s unusually cold during this year’s Oscars weekend in Los Angeles – everyone seems to have their air conditioning cranked up to the max. This icy atmosphere is just one sign of bigger changes happening in Hollywood. The industry is rapidly becoming more consolidated, artificial intelligence is becoming a major concern, and the very theme of the Oscars – “humanity” – feels less like a reality and more like a carefully chosen style.

I went to the Oscars rehearsal on Saturday, and even though it was warm outside, I was cold in my jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. In a fancy, velvet-lined elevator, I received strict instructions about what I couldn’t share before the show aired on Sunday. They warned me, with a smile, that if I revealed anything about the script, who was presenting each award, or even a funny bit involving someone pretending to be Adrien Brody, there would be consequences.

During rehearsals, Adrien Brody wore a black “Hollywood” T-shirt and practiced his lines, even getting down on his knees to ask a producer which joke worked best while a video of Jessie Buckley crying played on large screens. Rose Byrne, Maya Rudolph, Ellie Kemper, and Kristen Wiig, all in high heels, rehearsed a sketch reuniting the cast of Bridesmaids, and Wiig suggested a camera cue. Javier Bardem, dressed in black sweats, presented an award with an actress playing Priyanka Chopra Jonas, then joked about being fired and promised to memorize his lines while chatting with Academy executives.

The Oscars rehearsal, much like the event itself, felt staged – including the winners who practiced accepting their awards. Many gave surprisingly convincing speeches, even showing real emotion. For example, a mock Alexandre Desplat thanked his mother for giving birth to him, and one of the practice ‘Sinners’ winners was cut off mid-speech while thanking his mom, appearing genuinely annoyed. Academy CEO Bill Kramer assured reporters that the actual show aimed for a “human, organic, calm, Zen” atmosphere (some compared it to the vibe of P.F. Chang’s). He specifically highlighted Conan O’Brien’s opening and the performance of ‘The Sinners’ as particularly impressive.

I skipped the spray tan this year – last time, my neck looked strange just a couple of hours after getting it. Instead, I bought three types of boob tape and spent a long time at the hotel on Sunday morning practicing how to look my best, trying to fit in with everyone else’s perfect figures. I took an Uber to the Dolby Theatre around 2 p.m., but as usual, my driver and I got lost in the crowded, blocked-off streets.

I walked several blocks in my heels, and the sound of helicopters overhead reminded me of recent concerns about drones at the Oscars. I saw someone with a sign warning against forgetting God, which made me think. As I struggled to walk down Hollywood Boulevard, two security guards felt sorry for me and offered me a ride in their large SUV. They said it was a first for them, and that I had a long walk ahead of me. Surprisingly, they dropped me off right at the theater entrance – another first for me.

The inside of the venue was crowded with people waiting for their turn to get a picture with a huge Oscar statue. I walked past several celebrities – Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach, Tig Notaro and Stephanie Allynne, and Sara Bareilles with Brandi Carlile, who seemed like a temporary power couple. Nearby, young actress Mckenna Grace was asking her dad to take photos of her. I sat on some stairs and overheard a man describing the best spots for red carpet selfies as intensely competitive. Domhnall Gleeson was doing a live stream on TikTok with Andy Richter, who was clearly succeeding in getting the photos he wanted. Emma Stone quickly acknowledged Andy but kept moving, while Kathy Bates stopped to chat. I overheard a man ask if Conan O’Brien had an issue with him being there, and a woman responded that the situation felt a little awkward.

Joe Alwyn walked by with a noticeable tan. A regular partygoer accidentally stepped on Demi Moore’s dress, leaving a single feather drifting on the floor. I watched as that feather got slowly kicked around for half an hour, losing its fluff. Demi seemed a little bothered but kept moving. Pedro Pascal strolled by, surrounded by friends who were clearly enjoying a story he was telling. David Sedaris jotted down a quick note in a small notebook, and I, in turn, recorded the moment on my phone. Someone stopped me to ask if I’d walked from a car, saying they’d spotted me arriving. By the time I went inside the theater, the feather was gone – it must have fallen through a gap in the floor, because I could see Nicole Kidman talking to Steven Spielberg down below.

Just five minutes before the show began, I had to rush to the bathroom to fix a wardrobe malfunction – a piece of boob tape had come loose. And wouldn’t you know it, Goldie Hawn walked out of a stall right as I was trying to fix it! Once inside the theater, the announcer, Matt Berry, jokingly called the Oscars the “Winter Ozempics” and made a funny, slightly cynical comment about Hollywood being built on pretense. Conan O’Brien’s opening monologue was a hit, but I didn’t stick around my seat for long. As a journalist, I was seated way in the back, so I went downstairs to the bar – which, naturally, was freezing cold.

Emma Stone and Kate Hudson arrived, and Emma’s husband, Dave McCary, offered to get them drinks. Kate ordered a white wine with ice, quickly excusing herself to the restroom. While she was gone, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn gathered around Kate for a quick family chat. Kate and I exchanged greetings – I’d interviewed her recently – and she explained to her parents they’d gone to get noodles. Goldie gently took my hand as we talked about Kate’s dress. Kate was looking for Emma, who was still in the bathroom, but I didn’t want to say anything. I felt like an observer, careful not to change anything, even small details. A few minutes later, Emma came back and asked about Kate. “She was just here,” Emma said. She and Dave poured Kate’s wine into a travel cup, and they all went back inside.

Okay, so picture this: the Golden Globes after-party is…awkwardly unfolding. Kirsten Dunst, Jesse Plemons, and Alicia Silverstone shared a quick hug near the bar before making a beeline for the restrooms. Nicole Kidman was glued to her phone, wandering off into a side room, while Jessie Buckley was already thinking about food, chatting about snacks as she left the theater. Poor Ed Harris looked completely lost, needing confirmation he could even re-enter! Lola Kirke had already kicked off her shoes and was enjoying a Mexican Mule. Alicia Silverstone reappeared with a drink of her own, watching the ceremony on a big screen near the exit. She summed it up perfectly – “So do we just stand here?” And honestly? That’s exactly what everyone seemed to be doing. It felt less like a celebration and more like…waiting.

The energy at the bar right now is wild. It’s like half the people are traumatized and never want to go back into that auditorium, while the other half are practically sprinting to get back in, terrified of falling behind. I just saw Joel Edgerton practically jog to the bathroom, and Jack O’Connell was hauling four water bottles like his life depended on it. But Kevin O’Leary from Marty Supreme is totally chill. He’s slowly ordering a glass of red wine and showing me this incredible Kobe Bryant basketball card he’s wearing. He casually drops that he actually owns part of the company that owns the card, and it’s worth around $19 million! After explaining the whole thing, he looks at me and says, “You’re obviously not a basketball-card fan,” which, okay, fair enough!

Jacob Elordi entered the bar with his mother, ordering a tequila with lime. As he did, people began to notice him, and he seemed aware of the attention, casually moving towards a corner. He put his arm around someone shorter than himself – as he does with most people. A woman approached him, excitedly asking if he was Jacob Elordi and requesting a photo. A small group started to gather, and he politely looked away. Nearby, someone asked the woman about a person named Nick, but she sharply replied that she didn’t care about him.

The crowd roared with applause when Ryan Coogler of Sinners won the award for Best Original Screenplay. Gracie Abrams and Paul Mescal left the theater together, and Mescal politely waited outside the restroom, looking at his phone. The cast of Sentimental Value then went to get champagne to celebrate. Renate Reinsve and I were commiserating about the struggles with keeping our dresses up (mine was failing again!) when she gathered eight glasses for the cast and director Joachim Trier. She reassured me, saying you eventually get used to it. Stellan Skarsgård walked over and kindly took her hand. Ari Aster, sipping red wine, chatted with a woman about her baby before joining a small group with Emma Stone, Felicity Jones, and Alicia Silverstone. In a surprising moment, Emma playfully called someone a “fucking loser!” before giving him a hug.

Hudson Williams is relaxing with a group of men, enjoying drinks and discussing an upcoming film role. He jokes that he wants to deliver a wildly energetic performance like Nicolas Cage in Face/Off. Joachim Trier stops by to say hello. Shortly after, Hudson finds himself chatting with Paul Mescal and Joe Alwyn, creating a noticeable buzz with their combined charisma. They have a surprisingly ordinary conversation about work and tying their ties, until someone asks for autographs. The winners of Best Documentary, Mr. Nobody Against Putin, are announced to cheers, and the crowd goes wild again when Autumn Durald Arkapaw wins Best Cinematography for Sinners. Ari Aster then introduces himself to Kirsten Dunst, who playfully responds, “Hi, I’m Kirsten.” The three of them talk for a while about a director aiming for another Palme d’Or, but acknowledging he isn’t quite prepared yet.

Jacob Elordi and Mia Goth were chatting at the bar, then sweetly looking at pictures of a friend’s baby. The room exploded with applause when Sentimental Value won Best International Film, and again when Michael B. Jordan and Jessie Buckley were named Best Actor and Actress. I bonded with a woman over how cold it was inside, but her husband suddenly asked me if I was famous. She quickly corrected him, saying he doesn’t recognize anyone and even confused Timothée Chalamet with Pedro Pascal. He laughed it off, saying everyone makes that mistake. I reapplied my boob tape, and Kate Hawley from Frankenstein, who had just won Best Costume Design, was in the bathroom excitedly calling people and celebrating.

Once One Battle After Another accepts the final award, I go up to the Governors Ball party. A caterer jokingly warns me not to touch the pizza oven, saying I’d burn myself. I overhear Ellie Kemper explaining a disagreement over the Best Sound presentation. Alana Haim excitedly calls a Josh using someone else’s phone, searching for him before finding Vicky Krieps instead, and they share a hug. I start chatting with Kieran Culkin, but we can’t remember the name of the steakhouse we both visited once. He gets starstruck when the winners of Kpop Demon Hunters walk by and asks for a picture.

Someone nearby commented that Sean didn’t seem to care, likely about Sean Penn not attending the event. Wunmi Mosaku was enjoying a slice of pizza at a table, while others ate chicken pot pies. A man was even carrying a caviar bar around his neck – maybe a playful comment on the evening’s theme of ‘humanity.’ I asked him if this was his first time serving as a mobile caviar bar, and he said it was. He added that he thought a table would have been easier.

While waiting for my car to take me to the Neon after-party, I stood under a heat lamp in the limo waiting area. I spotted the usual group of celebrities there, including Joe Alwyn, who seemed a bit paler than usual. Attendants were calling out limo numbers – “1845, last call!” – as stars headed to their cars and the next event.

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2026-03-16 08:56