Oh, the 21st century: where witchcraft is just an Etsy search away, and your financial future is a candle’s flicker away. Did you know you can now hire a witch to turn your crypto portfolio into a million-dollar masterpiece? Because nothing says “financial stability” like a spell that costs more than a decent pair of socks. 🧙♀️💸
Once, if you were caught practicing witchcraft, you’d be burned at the stake (or pushed off a cliff, depending on the region’s sense of humor). Now, it’s just a TikTok trend. Because nothing says “spiritual enlightenment” like a 15-second video of someone chanting “Binance, Binance, Binance.” 🧙♂️📱
Etsy, the place where you can buy a handmade beanie or a spell to make your crypto portfolio flourish, despite their “metaphysical services” ban. Because nothing says “spiritual guidance” like a $73 spell. 🧙♀️🧾
The Holy Grail of Finance: A Spell That’s 73 Bucks and a Candle’s Worth of Hope
One listing, “CryptoMoon,” offers custom crypto spells that combine “spiritual alignment” with your investments. “Are you ready to boost your portfolio and attract unstoppable prosperity?” the description asks, because nothing says “financial success” like vague terms and a price tag. 🧙♀️📈
The seller’s pricing is as clear as a foggy crystal ball: $20 for basic spells, $42 for “advanced,” and $73 for the “millionaire spell.” Because if you’re going to gamble, you might as well do it in the dark. 🧙♂️🎲
The details? Vague. The disclaimer? “Outcomes cannot be guaranteed.” Because what’s a spell without a healthy dose of uncertainty? 🧙♀️🚫
It doesn’t just stop at witchcraft, either. There are also multiple sellers on Etsy offering services like “Bitcoin Oracle Cards,” which allow clients to read their future. The cards are apparently made with “magic, love,” and “crypto spirit.” Because what’s a good oracle card without a sprinkle of “crypto spirit” and a dash of “magic”? 🧙♂️🃏
Another service, a “Dogecoin wealth ritual,” has little explanation but appears to involve the seller using objects like candles and crystals in a video to set the mood for casting the customized DOGE spell. It also includes some downloadable pictures featuring positive affirmations. Because who needs a plan when you can just light some candles and whisper to the blockchain? 🧙♀️🐶
The trend isn’t lost on the crypto community, and some were quick to ridicule it. Because nothing says “serious” like a $73 spell and a candle. 🧙♂️💸
In a post on Thursday in the r/Bitcoin community, user “spacticity” claimed to have “paid an Etsy witch” to cast a spell ensuring the price of Bitcoin (BTC) hits $200,000 by January 2027. “I also told her that it would be fine if Bitcoin went even higher before then, but that the spell needs to make Bitcoin go up. She lit a candle and used some moon water or some shit, I don’t know the details,” they wrote, adding: “This is a sure thing, it’s fool-proof, and it couldn’t go tits up, so make sure to buy now while you still can.” Because if it doesn’t work, it’s clearly the moon water’s fault. 🧙♀️🌕
Who’s Paying for Witchcraft on Etsy? The Desperate, the Dumb, and the Crypto-Optimistic
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2025-10-03 05:26