Crypto Whales’ FOMC Fiesta: Booze, Bets & Bullish Divergences 🍸

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Darling, the December 9-10 FOMC meeting is the hottest ticket in town – everyone’s simply desperate to know if we’ll get another dreary 25bps rate cut. How thrilling! 🥱 The crypto market, bless its heart, is pretending to be cautious (down a tragic 1.1%), but between you and me, the whales are already drunk at the bar placing bets.

A few tokens are receiving the sort of whale attention usually reserved for a particularly handsome cabaret performer. Let’s examine three, shall we? Though frankly, I’d rather be examining a dry martini.

Aster (ASTER) – The Drama Queen 👑

Aster is putting on quite the performance – down 4% today (how vulgar), yet whales have increased their holdings by 11.61%. They’ve now collected 44.76 million ASTER tokens like so many cocktail napkins at last call. At $0.93 each, that’s $4.34 million spent – enough to buy everyone at the Fed a very nice bottle of champagne (not that they’d know good champagne if it bit them).

Buying into weakness? Either terribly brave or terribly foolish – I can never tell with these crypto people.

Want more scintillating token gossip? Do subscribe to Editor Harsh Notariya’s newsletter – it’s almost as entertaining as watching central bankers pretend they know what they’re doing.

The chart shows Aster forming higher lows while its RSI forms lower lows – a “hidden bullish divergence,” which sounds like something one might find in a particularly scandalous memoir. This same pattern appeared in November, after which Aster rallied 22%. One does wonder – if the Fed cuts rates, might we see a repeat performance? Or just another tragic case of premature speculation?

BREAKING: There is now a 94% chance that the Fed will cut interest rates on Wednesday, per Polymarket.

The 3rd rate cut of 2025 is coming.

– The Kobeissi Letter (@KobeissiLetter) December 8, 2025

Aster’s price is trapped in a triangle pattern – much like how one feels at a particularly tedious dinner party. Break above $1.01 and we might see $1.40. Fall below $0.89? Well, darling, that would be most unfortunate.

Pippin (PIPPIN) – The Overeager Debutante 💃

Pippin whales have increased holdings by 18.2% this week – 53.9 million PIPPIN worth $9.75 million. Top 100 addresses joined in too (how common). When both whales and major holders accumulate during a cooling phase, it either means they know something we don’t… or they’ve had too much to drink.

Pippin is up 3.06% today after being quiet all week – much like that shy fellow at the club who suddenly starts dancing on tables after his third gimlet. The structure resembles a bull flag, which is frankly more interesting than most flags I’ve seen lately.

Break above $0.34 and we might see fireworks. Fall below $0.14? Well, that would be more tragic than a bad review in the Times.

Chainlink (LINK) – The Seasoned Socialite 🎩

Chainlink whales have increased holdings by 28.93% – 3.78 million LINK worth $11.5 million. Top-100 addresses joined in (naturally), while exchange balances dropped 3.09%. When whales, major holders, and retail all accumulate, it’s either the start of something beautiful… or a particularly messy orgy of speculation.

LINK shows hidden bullish divergence – selling pressure weakening while price holds higher, much like how one maintains dignity after too many cocktails. Break above $14.19 and we might see $16.25. Fall below $12.97? Well, that would be more embarrassing than forgetting one’s own birthday.

So there you have it, darling – whales placing bets like degenerate gamblers at a Monte Carlo casino. Will the Fed deliver the rate cut everyone’s panting for? Will these tokens soar? Or will we all wake up with terrible hangovers and empty wallets? Only time will tell. In the meantime, do try to enjoy the show – and for heaven’s sake, drink responsibly.

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2025-12-09 11:21