Crypto.com has axed 12% of its staff, with CEO Kris Marszalek blaming the carnage on a desperate need for AI. Or, as the Discworld might say, “It’s the Luggage, but with spreadsheets.”
The Singapore-based exchange joins Gemini in 2026’s grand tradition of “We’re cutting jobs, but it’s for the greater good of algorithms!”-a trend that’s starting to smell a lot like panic, but with fewer dragons.
AI Pivot Claims Second Crypto Exchange
Marszalek dropped the news on March 19, declaring that the 480 eliminated roles were “no longer aligned with an AI-first model.” A model, one suspects, that involves fewer humans and more boxes that say “Good morning, boss.”
With a workforce of over 4,000, the cuts mean 480 people who probably just got good at their jobs before the AI took over. Or, as Marszalek might put it, “They were holding the future back.”
“Companies that delay their AI pivot will fail,” Marszalek declared. “Those that act swiftly will achieve scale and precision previously impossible.” Translation: “We’re firing you, but it’s the robot’s fault.”
The announcement followed Crypto.com’s $70 million purchase of AI.com in February-a move that screams either ambition or a desperate attempt to buy the future. Either way, it’s now a website that costs more than most countries’ GDP.
Gemini pioneered this trend in February by cutting 25% of its staff while simultaneously exiting three major markets and hemorrhaging $159.5 million. It’s like burning the house down to roast a marshmallow.
A Broader Pattern Takes Shape
The layoffs mirror a wider crypto-fintech purge, where Block Inc. axed 4,000 jobs in February, Messari rebranded itself as “AI-first,” and the Algorand Foundation cut 25% of its team. Clearly, the sector is just embracing change. Or running out of people to keep.
Binance, Coinbase, and Kraken have yet to join the fun, but with AI’s rise, it’s only a matter of time before they start firing people to fund a chatbot CEO.
Whether these moves deliver promised efficiency or just leave everyone with a nicely polished PowerPoint remains to be seen. But if history’s any guide, the AI will probably demand a raise next week.
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2026-03-19 15:13