Ah, another week in crypto, where the only thing more volatile than the market is the truth. From billionaires rewriting history to PayPal teaming up with Skynet, let’s dive into the circus. 🎪
#1 SBF Insists FTX Was “Totally Fine, Bro”
Sam Bankman-Fried, ever the optimist, insists FTX was never insolvent-just a victim of “bad decisions.” Because, you know, there’s a difference between having no money and just being bad at math. 🎩💸
[SBF says:]
This is where the money went. (Probably a typo in the spreadsheet.)
He also claimed $1B in fees were paid while billions vanished. Meanwhile, court docs say Alameda used customer funds like Monopoly money. 🎲
#2 Mt. Gox: The Never-Ending Nap
Mt. Gox creditors are still waiting for repayments, because nothing says “blockchain efficiency” like a decade-long nap. Trustee Nobuaki Kobayashi extended the deadline to 2026. Pro tip: Set a reminder. ⏳
#3 Bitcoin Turns 17: The Awkward Teen Years
Bitcoin’s white paper turned 17. At this rate, it’ll be old enough to vote but still acts like a rebellious teen yelling, “I’m decentralized, Mom!” 📜
#4 Trump and Xi: A Love Story
Trump called his meeting with Xi “amazing,” which in Trump-speak means he lost but wants you to clap anyway. China kept all the cards. 🃏
#5 Bybit Takes a Japancation
Bybit paused new users in Japan to meet regulations. Meanwhile, they’re thriving in the UAE. Such is life: one country’s red tape is another’s welcome mat. 📦
#6 Hoskinson Roasts Schiff Like a Marshmallow
Charles Hoskinson roasted Peter Schiff’s Bitcoin predictions: “Wrong at $100, wrong at $100,000. Next you’ll tell me water is wet.” 🌊
Peter continues to be wrong and utterly irrelevant. He was wrong at 100 dollar bitcoin. He was wrong at 1000 dollar bitcoin…
#7 Shiba Inu: From Meme to Wall Street
Shiba Inu got a Wall Street nod. Because apparently, the stock market needed more doggo energy. 🐕
#8 TRUMP Token Buys a Real Company
Fight Fight Fight LLC (TRUMP token issuer) wants to buy Republic.com. Because what crypto needs is more drama. 🎭
#9 Dimon Loves Blockchain Now
JPMorgan’s Dimon called blockchain “useful,” which is like the Pope endorsing astrology. 🕊️
#10 Western Union: “Trust Us, We’re Stable”
Western Union trademarked WUUSD. Because nothing says “trust us” like a company named after a union that predates electricity. ⚡
In the Spotlight
Quick hits you shouldn’t miss:
-
A software update that actually works? Unheard of.
- KRWQ Stablecoin: Asia’s answer to crypto: more acronyms. 📈
- CZ Statue Token Crash: CZ said “don’t buy,” so they did. 🚨
- $14M Scam Arrest: The real crime? He got caught. 🕵️
What’s Next?
Market confidence is “returning,” which in crypto terms means everyone’s holding their breath until the next crash. Stablecoins, AI, and Asia’s dominance? Exciting times. Or not. 🎢
Tune in next week for more crypto chaos-it’s like a soap opera, but with more blockchain.
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2025-11-01 16:00