Crypto News

Key Highlights

The office, helmed by Sungmo Park-a man who has donned the robes of Monad and Polygon like a jester swapping jests-now ascends to Head of APAC go-to-market. Anthony Albanese, the fund’s COO, waxed poetic about the move, claiming proximity to “users and builders” is the new holy grail. A noble lie, perhaps? For what is closer to the truth than a well-told delusion in these times of digital utopianism? 🤷♂️

The bank’s reasoning, it seems, is built on a single but powerful nugget of truth: Norway’s payment system is already a fortress of security and efficiency. Even though cash is about as popular in Norway as a snowball in the Sahara, the system hums along like a well-oiled machine. Payments are fast, smooth, and-get this-cheap. Who needs a fancy new digital currency when what you’ve got is already working like a charm? 🍀

On December 10, the sages of Gelephu Mindfulness City-probably sipping yak butter tea-stated that come December 17, the world’s first sovereign-backed, gold-laden digital thingy named TER would be unleashed onto the cosmos via the Solana blockchain. Of course, because nothing says “trust” like a city named after mindfulness and the word “launch.” Each of these shiny tokens is backed his majesty 1:1 by actual, bank-verified, physically existing gold stored somewhere probably guarded by monks armed with digital swords. This ensures your virtual gold doesn’t wobble in turbulent markets-because real gold is so much better than virtual, right? And thanks to Solana’s lightning-fast and wallet-friendly transactions, this isn’t just some fancy paperweight but a real, verifiable digital treasure chest. Just don’t forget to blink or you’ll miss the launch! 🚀

Gemini Titan, the Winklevoss twins’ crypto circus sidekick, finally crushed the CFTC (after five years of paperwork!) and now you can bet your grandma’s Social Security number on questions like “Will Bitcoin top $200K?” 🤯 Yep, it’s like crypto’s version of a magic 8-ball, but with more fees and less magic. CEO Tyler Winklevoss, ever … Read more

The esteemed Acting Chair of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC), Caroline Pham, unveiled the inaugural cohort of executives destined to join the CFTC’s newly minted CEO Innovation Council. This council, a public forum of considerable repute, invites leaders from major exchanges and crypto platforms to engage in discourse on the metamorphosis of derivatives markets, particularly as technology reshapes the art of trading.

Crypto.com-the latest darling of blockchain enthusiasts-and 21shares, masters of Cronos (CRO) wizardry, have joined forces in a strategic dance (read: business move). This Earth-shattering partnership aims to debut a private CRO trust and, eventually, a Cronos ETF, because who doesn’t want a regulated way to profit from blockchain’s native chaos? 🤑

Representative Keith Self, a man clearly wrestling with an existential crisis over digital finance (or perhaps just parliamentary procedure), declared on X – a platform for profound pronouncements, naturally – that promises were “explicitly” broken. One does so adore explicit promises; they make the inevitable disappointment so much more satisfying.

“Dividends,” he proclaimed, as if it were a sacred mantra, “are the altar upon which we must sacrifice our principles.” 🛐 “All that said,” he continued, with a gravitas that would make a Soviet bureaucrat blush, “what’s important is paying our dividends, more important than not selling Bitcoin.” One wonders if the shareholders are as amused as they are bewildered. 🤡

A federal review prompted new disclosures as the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC) released preliminary findings on Dec. 10 showing how major banks handled debanking. The OCC said it issued the review results to determine whether the nation’s largest institutions restricted customers based on political or religious views or lawful business activities. Because, of course, banks are just so impartial. 🤡