Crypto News

XRP is tiptoeing around $2.95, like a cat eyeing a fishbowl. The descending triangle on the 12-hour chart has everyone holding their breath-or at least their memes. Horizontal support at $2.75 and a downward trendline since July have conspired to create this dramatic standoff. Analysts are practically frothing at the mouth predicting a breakout that could send XRP soaring to $3.60. But hey, if it fails, we might see it tumble back to $2.75 faster than you can say “HODL.” 🐱‍🏍📉

In a move that screams “desperate for relevance,” Cboe Global Markets has announced Continuous Futures contracts for bitcoin and ether. Because nothing says “stable investment” like betting on crypto prices a decade from now. 🚀 Trading starts Nov. 10-assuming the SEC doesn’t laugh them out of the room.

“By uniting Circle’s profound expertise in stablecoins with our robust institutional infrastructure, we bestow upon financial institutions the courage to innovate without fear. Those who dare to embark on this journey now shall not merely maintain their pace; they shall set the benchmark for the digital financial systems of tomorrow,” declared Michael Shaulov, the esteemed Co-founder and CEO of Fireblocks, with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face. 😏

It comes amid a broader crackdown on crypto ATMs, with the FBI reporting nearly 11,000 complaints of fraud came from the kiosks in 2024, totaling over $246 million in losses. At least 13 states, including Arizona, Colorado and Michigan, have implemented transaction limits to reduce the potential impact of crypto ATM fraud. 🧠💸

Cboe, the derivatives exchange under the very serious-sounding Chicago Board Options Exchange, announced on a Tuesday-which clearly means it’s official-that these contracts are slated for launch on November 10. Of course, provided that regulatory overlords give the green light, because apparently, even the Wild West of crypto needs a chaperone.

Now, some people with far too much time on their hands (shoutout to Lookonchain and other “on-chain analytic tools” – seriously, a hobby!?) are tracking BlackRock’s every move. Apparently, they’ve noticed BlackRock dumping a significant amount of crypto onto Coinbase in the last couple of days. It’s like watching someone slowly realize they bought Beanie Babies in 1998.

According to the crypto gossip columns (aka media outlets), Solana’s generated $1.25 billion in revenue this year. That’s 2.5 times Ethereum’s haul. BNB Smart Chain and Bitcoin? Cute, but they’re at $148 million and $135 million respectively. Layer-2s like Base, Arbitrum, and Polygon? Sweeties, they’re still figuring out their highlighters. 🖍️

Cantor Fitzgerald Asset Management, in a daring move that would make even the most skeptical wizard blink, has unveiled the Cantor Fitzgerald Gold Protected Bitcoin Fund L.P. This enchanted blend, announced on Sept. 8, aims to harness the volatile power of bitcoin while using the ancient wisdom of gold to ward off the demons of market downturns. The five-year spell grants investors 45% participation in the mystical growth of bitcoin, all while ensuring their principal remains safe through the alchemical properties of gold.

Back in 2017, EMCD was just a Bitcoin mining pool. Today, they’re a “Web 2.5” platform-half crypto, half traditional finance, and 100% less confusion (or is it?). They evolved because users kept asking, “Can’t this be simpler?” and EMCD replied, “Sure! Let’s add savings accounts, P2P trading, and fiat withdrawals. For science!”

Satori Coins, those audacious poker-chip analogs stuffed with fractional bitcoin, first waltzed onto the scene in 2016, only to vanish like a poorly timed quip at a dinner party. After the Casascius coins-crafted by the estimable Mike Caldwell from 2011 to 2013-retreated into the shadows, physical BTC became as common as a rainy day in Manchester. But now, with the return of Satori, one might say the crypto world is experiencing a case of the ennui-or perhaps a grand débacle with a side of glitter.