Crypto News

He has laid before the world a “self-sovereign, local, private and secure LLM setup,” not as a boastful shrine to gadgets, but as a confession of hunger for independence. The rig runs entirely on his own hardware, a cold altar of silicon and will, using NVIDIA 5090 GPUs and open-weight models like Qwen3.5 with 35 billion parameters. The numbers marshal a simple argument: about 90 tokens per second, a pace not for poets in an attic, but for ordinary days-enough to pretend one can carry a thought through the fog of noise without begging the cloud for mercy.

Yes, Paradigm is plunging headlong into prediction markets, darling, and not with the clumsy enthusiasm of a debutante at her first ball.

The proposal has been driven by concerns over fraud, money laundering, and the terrifying idea that people might lose money in a digital void without a single chance to recover it. Because apparently, that’s what happens when you introduce futuristic tech without a safety net. But who needs protection when you’re buying invisible coins, eh?

The entire market had positioned for de-escalation. What it got was ambiguity – and a selloff across every major asset class.

Behold! Bitcoin ended March with a glorious 2% uptick, snapping a dismal five-month losing streak. The longest since 2018, if you can believe it. And as the data from CoinGlass suggests, it seems this streak is but a fading memory.

The good folks over at EDX decided to make their application public on Wednesday, April 1st – and no, this is not an April Fool’s joke. Bloomberg was the first to break the news. The application, which is probably as dense as a university thesis, asks for full fiduciary powers under 12 U.S.C. § 92a, which is probably some legal mumbo jumbo that sounds important. In plain English, they want the ability to offer digital asset custody, asset management, and settlement services. All this for institutional clients. Oh, and they want to set up shop at 200 W. Madison, Suite 1450, Chicago, IL 60606. Fancy, huh?

The crypto‑quantum panic is swirling like a washing‑up‑at‑midnight bottle of wine, and voices from crypto and tech-yes, even CZ in his hoodie-are weighing in with opinions that range from “we’re all doomed” to “calm your tits, it’s not happening this week.”

In an X post, Diana, that modern-day oracle, declared that Evernorth would soon unveil XRP lending on the XRPL, a feat that would supposedly unlock a staggering $100 billion in dormant capital. One might imagine the ledger’s inhabitants, long accustomed to their modest 473 million XRP harvest, now gazing at the horizon with newfound ambition. “Yield!” they cry, as if the very air were ripe with opportunity.

So, eToro, the online brokerage and social trading platform (fancy, right?), has finally convinced New York to let them play in their sandbox. Residents of the Empire State can now trade cryptocurrencies on eToro’s platform, thanks to the New York State Department of Financial Services (NYDFS) giving them the thumbs up. According to Crowdfund Insider, via ChainCatcher, eToro’s crypto offering now spans 48 US states. Mazel tov, eToro!

The £54,166,666 (equity placement) was most graciously underwritten by entities controlled by Chairman Xin Jin and Director Chang-Wei Chiu, who, in their infinite generosity, issued 49,242,424 Class A ordinary shares, settled not in gold, but in USDT, a currency so modern it might as well be alchemy. This transaction, concluded on the auspicious date of 31st March 2026, fulfilled agreements previously announced, much like a suitor finally proposing after months of coy glances.