Crypto News

Pro-crypto Waller, whom our commander-in-chief originally appointed to the Fed choir in 2020, has been waving his baton like a charm, conducting a symphony of rate cuts that could make even Furiosa jealous. If he steps into the conductor’s seat when Jerome “Pow-who?” Powell exits in May 2026, Wall Street economists might just start dancing conga lines. 🕺💃 He’s got the support of all the boffins for his consistent serenades about rates – cue the standing ovation!

Following the SEC’s sudden decision to drop its investigation (a move that makes as much sense as my dog eating the wrapping paper), Kulechov declared 2025 Aave’s “most successful year.” Let’s just assume that means they finally mastered the art of not getting sued. Now, they’re setting their sights on 2026 with three pillars: V4, Horizon, and an app that might actually work. Spoiler: It’s called “the future,” and it involves things like cross-chain liquidity and real-world assets. Who knew?

Russia, ever the romantic when it comes to financial monotony, has reaffirmed its devotion to the ruble-its one true currency-while dismissing digital assets as mere playthings for speculative dabblers. Anatoly Aksakov, a man whose enthusiasm for central banking could make a funeral seem lively, insisted that cryptocurrencies will never be granted the honor of being called “money” on Russian soil. Instead, they shall remain confined to the gilded cage of “investment tools,” much to the delight of those who still believe in fax machines and gold-backed economies.

Quantum computing-the tech world’s bogeyman-has been lurking in the shadows, threatening to expose all our crypto secrets. 🕵️‍♂️ Imagine your private keys being snatched like a forgotten password to your ex’s Instagram. Yikes! Banks? Pfft, they’re already upgrading their encryption faster than I switch boyfriends. But Bitcoin? Oh, honey, it’s still in its “I’m fine, I don’t need help” phase. 😬

The US Securities and Exchange Commission, that ever-vigilant watchdog of Wall Street (and now crypto), has officially thrown in the towel on its four-year snoop-fest into the Aave Protocol. Founder Stani Kulechov, probably after exhaling for the first time since 2021, confirmed the news. This marks a rare victory for decentralized finance, which has spent the last few years dodging regulatory bullets like Neo in The Matrix. Most importantly, Aave can now stop nervously glancing over its shoulder.

Unlike previous meltdowns, this slow-motion stumble feels less chaotic. Candles shrink like deflating balloons 🎈, signaling sellers stroll, not sprint, while buyers stay tucked in their dens, sipping lukewarm tea ☕. It’s the crypto equivalent of a polite “No, thank you.”

Behold the quest of Securitize as they promise natively tokenized stocks with regulatory applause! New shares aren’t just tossed into the digital wind; they find a home right on the issuer’s cap table, under the watchful eye of the SEC!

According to the chronicles of CoinGlass, a harbinger of financial doom, the recent tumult in the cryptocurrency market has been accompanied by a deluge of liquidations on the derivatives side. “Liquidation,” a term as cold and unforgiving as the winter in Yasnaya Polyana, refers to the forcible closure of open contracts that have amassed losses beyond a certain threshold. For the long investors, this calamity befalls when the asset’s price plummets, while for the shorts, it strikes when the price soars. A cruel game of chance, is it not? 🎲💥

“Nay!” cried the Grayscale, their quill trembling with the weight of prophecy. “Quantum risk, though a shadow on the horizon, shall not plague the Bitcoin price in 2026. It is but a footnote in the grand ledger of market whims.” 📜✨

That’s because Japan plays a unique role in global liquidity. When that liquidity tightens, Bitcoin often drops hard. 🤪