Crypto News

Crypto Rover, that modern-day oracle of the blockchain, declares Bitcoin is not merely weak but “mechanically suppressed,” a phrase that evokes both pity and amusement. The dealers, those shadowy figures of the financial underworld, hedge their bets with the precision of a surgeon, selling into rallies and buying dips as if tending a garden of volatility. This dance has confined Bitcoin to a narrow range, $90,000 to $95,000, a cage of their own making. The $100,000 mark, that elusive summit, remains a wall as impenetrable as a Chekhovian silence. 🧱📉

Now, looking at who’s doing the buying is where it gets interesting. Some are looking solid, proper investors, the type who believe in the…the thing. Others? Well, they look like they’re just trying to catch a rising penny farthing 🚲, which is never a good sign. It could all go wonderfully, or it could just splutter and stall. Honestly, it’s like trying to predict the weather in Ankh-Morpork.

2024 was a wild bunch for crypto! Turns out, hardware wallets are secure… unless you’re a juicy contest winner. Then your privacy’s on clearance. 🕵️♂️💸

Penned for astronauts and bureaucrats, not for crypto bros or Elon’s pet dragon, this paper somehow deems Ripple’s bookkeeping “trusted.” Aka, not a total dumpster fire. 💣✨

Two influential Senate panels, the Banking Committee and the Agriculture Committee, have scheduled key hearings… These markups are more than procedural steps; they will determine whether the legislation advances or stalls yet again. 🧠⚖️

And oh, the aspirations! To serve institutional clients, including exchanges, and the ever-vain investment firms. Yet the elder statesmen of traditional banking, with their tweed jackets and carefully furrowed brows, scoff with an air of aristocratic condescension at this unfurling of crypto trust charters. Their voices, filled with the weight of centuries, lament the rapid advance of these modern-day financial marauders.

Allegedly the puppet master of an elaborate “pig butchering” scheme, Chen, a 38-year-old scion of Prince Group, has been royally booted out of Cambodia. Two associates in his capricious escapades are now fugitives: Xu Ji Liang and Shao Ji Hui, who joined him at the dawn of 2026 in apprehension. Their fate remains uncertain amid the delightful protocols of a bilateral extradition agreement designed to combat global mischief.

Altcoin ETFs are the new TikTok dance – everyone’s doing it, and no one knows the steps! 🕺💃 Grayscale’s filing? More like a crypto “I’m ready for my close-up” moment. 🎬

This union doth bestow upon Fireblocks the trifecta of accounting, auditing, and reporting tools, all to be grafted onto their platform like a beard on a bald man. The goal? To craft a “treasury management solution” so broad it could drown a camel. 🐫

This news comes hot on the heels of Bank of America’s crypto crush, as they’ve been cozying up to digital assets like a cat to a laser pointer. 🐱✨