Crypto News

Ah, the sweet scent of de-dollarization! Russia, that indefatigable rogue of the global stage, has pivoted with the grace of a ballet dancer on vodka, shifting nearly all its trade settlements with China and India into their respective currencies. Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak, a man whose name sounds like a forgotten character from Brideshead Revisited, revealed this on October 20th. The dollar, once the hegemonic darling of international finance, is now as passé as a monocle at a tech conference.

Ethereum tried to “get cute” above $3,800, like a desperate Tinder profile. It hit $3,880, $3,980, and even flirted with the 50% Fib retracement. But the bears? Total players. They shut it down at $4,080 like a parent confiscating a glow stick. 👩‍🏫

Bitcoin’s recent nosedive-down to a pitiful $104,000-was, according to Glassnode, merely a “flush, not a failure.” How poetic. Like a clogged toilet, the market needed a good plunging. Futures open interest? Down. Funding rates? Cratered. ETF flows? Neutral, like a bored bureaucrat. Traders are realizing losses, not capitulating-because why admit defeat when you can just suffer quietly?

Behold, the technical stars align! Ali Martinez, that sage of charts, proclaims a TD Sequential buy signal, as if the heavens themselves have declared, “Arise, PENGU, and waddle forth!” 📈 The structure, once a mess of indecision, now tightens like a corset on a Gogol character, hinting at a recovery as inevitable as a Russian winter. ❄️ As long as the price clings to $0.021 to $0.022 like a bureaucrat to his paperwork, the bulls may yet charge forward with renewed vigor. 🐂

His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs-yep, the very tax folks who’d tax your grandmother’s cat if they could-have cranked up their efforts to catch those pesky crypto tax evaders. They’ve decided that a mere whisper won’t do and sent out a staggering 65,000 “nudge” letters in the 2024-25 tax year, a number that dwarfs the previous year’s 27,700 like a circus elephant next to a tiny mouse.

Let me set the scene: the UpOnly podcast – crypto’s equivalent of that one chaotic group chat you can’t leave – wrapped up months ago. But Cobie, the internet’s resident crypto philosopher-shaman, dropped a mystical NFT like it was the One Ring and declared: “When this is burned, the podcast returns. Until then, PEASANT, LEAVE ME.” (Slight paraphrase. But emotionally accurate.)

According to the official press release (dated Oct. 20, in case you’re wondering), Nasdaq-listed Jiuzi Holdings just inked a major deal with BitFi, which gives them access to BitFi’s $2.75 billion ecosystem of wrapped Bitcoin assets. So, it’s like they’re diving into the deep end of the crypto pool-except this pool is worth a small country. 🏝️

If ETH breaks above the 50-day MA at $4,181, it might hit $4.5K. But macro headwinds are like that one friend who always ruins the party-they could push it back to $3,819. 🌪️🎉

With the market’s pulse quickening, the buyers dare to dream of more gains-perhaps a full-blown rally, perhaps just a brief flirtation. The Bollinger Bands, those mysterious indicators, whisper of a ‘W’ pattern-a classic sign of bottoming out-like a tired old man stretching after a long nap, suggesting XRP might just be oversold, or perhaps just very good at pretending. The daily RSI, that blunt but honest relative strength gauge, has joined the party with a rising divergence, hinting that XRP is staging a double-bottom comeback-a rebirth, maybe, or just wishful thinking? 🤡

Let us not forget the recent European ETP listing, which briefly gave FLOKI a veneer of respectability. But alas, Black Friday’s icy breath froze all progress. Yet here comes Musk, armed with Grok’s video magic and a penchant for turning memes into millionaires, and voilà! The token rebounds 30% – a resurrection so theatrical it could make Lazarus jealous. 🤯