But according to Kommersant’s Andrei Kolesnikov (who probably has more sources than a black-market caviar dealer), the real scoop is that the U.S. and Russia are now discussing Bitcoin mining at the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant (ZNPP). Because nothing screams “safe investment” like radioactive crypto! ☢️💰
The initial days were nothing short of a fireworks display. PI soared to dizzying heights, peaking at nearly $3.00 by the end of February. But, as is the case with most grand performances, the curtain fell swiftly. The hype evaporated faster than champagne bubbles at a dull party, and PI tumbled into a bear market of its own making. By October, it had shed over 94% of its value, hitting an all-time low of $0.172. A tragicomic descent, indeed.
In the grand forecast scroll, Galaxy predicts that in 2026, the vaults will open wider than a sardine can at a summer picnic-pumping over fifty billion dollars into US spot crypto ETFs. A far cry from the modest twenty-three billion of the previous year-a veritable floodgates, my friend. As if bankers and fund managers slowly shed their fears like an old coat, we anticipate Vanguard and wirehouses unleashing their crypto beast, fueling the madness. Bitcoin and Ethereum ETFs? They’re expected to break previous records like a kid smashing a piñata-except instead of candy, it’s money, and plenty of it. 🎉💸
Now, on the surface, this Act was meant to be a marvellous thing for cryptocurrencies – a thumbs-up for more dabbling and spending. But oh dear, things are never quite that simple, are they? It’s opened a whole tin of worms, it has. A particularly wriggly tin of worms.
The Trust Wallet team, with all the urgency of a man sprinting from a burning library, declared the breach a “recent update” to their Chrome extension. “Disable 2.68! Upgrade to 2.69!” they cried, their public plea more desperate than a poet begging for patronage. One suspects the vulnerability was as isolated as a hermit in Siberia, yet the scale of plunder-a veritable feast for thieves-has left even the stoic crypto faithful clutching their pearls.
Originating from a May breach, the Modi-nation, in a commendable display of cooperation with U.S. law enforcement-including the illustrious Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office-has seen Coinbase engage in elaborate intrigue. The brazen attackers had convinced contractors and overseas employees to become unwitting pawns in their game to pocket customer data, only to attempt to extract an exorbitant $20 million from Coinbase itself. At the time, as if by a bewildering feat of prophecy, the San Francisco-based exchange preluded this misguided endeavor could require a $400 million investment for rectification-truly an epic, costly escapade!
As elucidated by the esteemed Maartunn, a sage of CryptoQuant, the enigmatic “Supply In Loss” metric reveals that a third of Bitcoin’s supply is currently languishing in financial purgatory. Imagine, if you will, a party where everyone is still paying for their drinks-except the host, who’s secretly plotting a comeback. 🕵️♂️
Lau, already waving his buy flag with a $415 price target, grouped Coinbase with Nasdaq (NDAQ) and S&P Global (SPGI) as his golden trio of fintech darlings. Meanwhile, COIN’s shares are currently melting like ice cream in July, down 2.2% to $234.50 after the Christmas crypto crash ❄️📉.
Yet lo! Institutional investors, those modern-day gentry with spreadsheets instead of serfs, continue to pour money into XRP ETFs. Are they visionaries? Fools? Or merely betting that the crypto market will eventually remember how to spell “upward momentum”? 🤷♂️
