Representative Keith Self, a man clearly wrestling with an existential crisis over digital finance (or perhaps just parliamentary procedure), declared on X – a platform for profound pronouncements, naturally – that promises were “explicitly” broken. One does so adore explicit promises; they make the inevitable disappointment so much more satisfying.
“Dividends,” he proclaimed, as if it were a sacred mantra, “are the altar upon which we must sacrifice our principles.” 🛐 “All that said,” he continued, with a gravitas that would make a Soviet bureaucrat blush, “what’s important is paying our dividends, more important than not selling Bitcoin.” One wonders if the shareholders are as amused as they are bewildered. 🤡
A federal review prompted new disclosures as the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC) released preliminary findings on Dec. 10 showing how major banks handled debanking. The OCC said it issued the review results to determine whether the nation’s largest institutions restricted customers based on political or religious views or lawful business activities. Because, of course, banks are just so impartial. 🤡
The land of the rising sun witnesses today a seismic shift of legislative intent. Its mighty regulators, with an eloquent flourish of bureaucratic might, plan to extricate our whimsical cryptocurrencies from the cozy embrace of payment regimes. Instead, they propose placing them under the stern gaze of securities laws!
According to Valora CEO Jackie Bona, the acquisition will see the Valora team join Stripe and work on the firm’s blockchain initiatives. Because nothing says “innovation” like a team of crypto experts joining a payments giant. 🤔
They’re sayin’ these banks ‘made inappropriate distinctions’. In simpler terms? They picked and chose who they’d do business with, based on what those folks did, not whether they were payin’ their bills. Mercy me! Like decidin’ your neighbor’s business is none of your concern, then refusin’ to sell him sugar for his tea! They either made things mighty difficult or subjected folks to inspections fit for a king’s ransom, all without a lick of explanation.
Should Bitcoin break through the first short liquidation zone, brace yourselves for a wild ride. Momentum could send it straight into the second zone, where prices may soar to psychological levels-before cooling down, of course. It’s like waiting for the final act in a play, where everything hangs in the balance!
Bitcoin spiked above $94,000 like a caffeinated squirrel on roller skates 🐿️💸 and then promptly face-planted as Fed Chair Jerome Powell delivered a masterclass in fence-sitting. The man could make a waffle iron feel decisive.
Just days after Yi He ascended to co-CEO, the villains struck with the timing of a well-rehearsed symphony. This allowed the deceitful posts to masquerade as wise counsel from a crypto oracle. Poor Yi He, now the accidental spokesperson for a token that probably smells like burnt toast and regret, had to explain on X (formerly Twitter) that her account had been “abandoned long ago” and was now “seized for use.” One wonders if the hackers sent her a thank-you note for the free advertising.
With the media’s “hawkish” framing of the cut, Bitcoin’s price action now resembles a toddler refusing to leave the playground: it may sell on the news but will likely remain trapped in a range until someone invents a new momentum driver, probably involving glitter and self-driving cars. 🚗✨
