Crypto News

Blockchain sleuth ZachXBT, a modern-day Sherlock Holmes armed with coffee and a Twitter account, tracked the stolen coins to a Tron address before they vanished into the clutches of Huione Guarantee. Ah, Huione Guarantee, a name that whispers promises of security while dancing hand-in-hand with chaos. Once funds enter this den of thieves, recovery is as likely as a camel passing through the eye of a needle-though at least the camel has better odds.

On Monday, BlackRock gallantly debuted a bitcoin ETP in London, an occasion made possible by the FCA’s benevolent decision to lift a prior prohibition on retail investment in such curiosities, a restraint which had lasted since the year of 2021.

Hold your horses, crypto enthusiasts! Chainlink’s LINK token just jumped 13.6% in 24 hours-probably because whales are using it to build a floating casino. The broader market (CD20) added 4.2% too, but let’s be real: it’s all just a mirage. 🌊

Canary Funds submitted an updated ETF registration to the SEC. Big surprise: it’s mostly administrative nonsense-new address, new ticker symbol on Cboe, same old same old. Still no real reason to believe this thing will actually launch, but hey, at least they’re coordinating with the exchange! What a shocking display of competence. 🙄

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Now standing at the mighty $447 resistance, TAO faces a crucial test. A clean breakout could see it rise to $476, and-who knows?-perhaps even touch a thrilling yearly high of $588. The suspense is palpable!

the big boys are coming to town, and they’ve got bags of cash to burn.

After a harrowing plunge to $3,700 on October 17th, this phoenix of crypto has risen a paltry 10%, though it still languishes 18% below its mythical all-time high. A reminder, perhaps, that even digital gold tarnishes. 🏺

In a plot twist straight out of a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy blooper reel, Japan’s Financial Services Agency (FSA) is reportedly tinkering with a reform that’d let banks clutch and cuddle digital assets such as bitcoin, all for those lofty “investment purposes.” Yomiuri, the newspaper that’s apparently not busy reporting on alien invasions, spilled the beans.