Crypto News

Behold, this modern Tolstoy-esque hero, who seized a humble tech enterprise and wrought it into the colossal treasury of Bitcoin, inventing the very notion of the crypto hoard-a stroke of genius, or perhaps folly, in the eyes of future generations. And lo, he inspired legions: nations wielding Bitcoin as sovereign reserves, like the mighty United States and the bold El Salvador; corporations scrambling in pursuit, such as the plucky Metaplanet; even blockchains, from Ethereum’s shadowy vaults to Solana’s swift holdings and the whimsical Dogecoin domains. 🚀

But lo! Instead of a triumphant rally, the crowd gasped as the token price tumbled faster than a matryoshka doll in a landslide 🌄. Skepticism bloomed like mold on forgotten pierogi, while the community’s faith evaporated like vodka in a Cossack’s mustache.

Earlier this year, the SEC asked firms to switch from 19b-4 filings-which were basically the crypto version of “Here’s my homework!”-to S-1 registration statements, which sound like something you’d file if you wanted to invent a new tax bracket. Canary, being a good citizen, withdrew its 19b-4 application on September 25. One wonders if they celebrated with a tiny parade or if they just sighed and added it to the list of things the government never follows up on. 🎉

Volume? High, like my blood pressure on Mondays-just under $7 billion. The market is not quiet, it’s basically a hype choir in a conference room. 🚀

Honestly, it’s all a bit much, isn’t it? But apparently, it’s getting all the attention in the peculiar world of ‘DeFi’. So, I’ve had a peek under the bonnet to see what on earth is going on, and what silly little things *you* should be keeping an eye on.

According to data from Polymarket’s prediction market – a place where, let’s be honest, people are mostly just throwing darts at the calendar – a staggering 43% of participants believe this will all rumble on until October 15th or later. Thirty-five percent are optimistically hoping for something between October 10th and 14th, while a measly 20% still cling to the notion of things resolving themselves before October 9th. A concerning 3% believe Congress might actually *do* something before October 5th. One imagines these 3% have never actually *been* to Washington.

Over 25,000 souls, founders, investors, policymakers, and Web3 developers, flocked to Marina Bay Sands. All eager peepers, naturally, determined to discover just where this most peculiar industry is headed. One wonders if they brought their smelling salts.

Lo and behold, the Empire State has rustled up quite the parlor debate over crypto mining. Why, State Senator Liz Krueger, that upstanding lady of letters, has trotted forth a bill to levy coin upon coin from miners for their insatiable electricity-guzzling. Announced on a fine Wednesday, it seems the pressure on proof-of-work mining is mounting like a New York minute, all thanks to worries over ballooning electricity costs and the shocking amount of juice these mines are slurping.

They assure us, these… *experts* do, that this is merely a “return to normal” after last week’s… excitement. Excitement! As if the market isn’t already a fever dream of numbers flitting about with no discernible purpose. They claim no impact on the spot markets, which, conveniently, have been gaining this week. A most fortunate coincidence, wouldn’t you agree? 🤔

Reportedly, this delightful little nuisance has been festering since 2017 and predominantly concerns the Android elite, though the unwashed masses on Windows, macOS, and Linux are not entirely spared. Aren’t we all just lucky? 🎉