Bitcoin’s like that reliable but painfully slow uncle who still uses a flip phone. Sure, he’s trustworthy, but can he handle TikTok? Nope. Block space? Scarce. Fees? Spikier than a punk’s hairdo. DeFi? More like De-why-bother. 🧑🦳📱
The university, a paragon of academic rigor, has boosted its holdings in Grayscale’s Bitcoin ETF to a staggering 1 million shares, valued at a cozy $51.8 million. One might say they’ve traded textbooks for blockchain, though the latter seems less likely to help with finals week. 📚➡️₿
At the hour of this scribbling, ETH stands at a modest $3,530, with a trading volume that would make a Rothschild blush-nearly $38 billion in a single day. A 2% uptick in 24 hours and 5% over the week? One might as well celebrate a sneeze in a hurricane. 🌪️💸
The charts reveal this farce’s punchline: one cursed level decides if crypto’s most persistent understudy becomes a star.
Bitcoin investors are all, “Let’s strangle and straddle this volatility like it’s a stubborn turkey on Thanksgiving.” Meanwhile, XRP traders are betting the rollercoaster will suddenly turn into a lazy river. 🦃🛶
Canary Capital, the financial equivalent of that friend who insists crypto is “still a thing,” has filed for a MOG ETF. Because apparently, the world needs a regulated product for a cat meme token that’s down 78% since its “glory” days. MOG, for the uninitiated, is a token inspired by the “Mog the Cat” meme, which means its entire value proposition is based on people who think “This is fine” is a life philosophy 🌈.
For years, gold was the Beyoncé of assets-rising when interest rates were low and dipping when they weren’t. But now, it’s all about reclaiming its identity as a “store of intrinsic value.” Fancy. Meanwhile, XRP is allegedly ready to break up with Bitcoin and Ethereum like a millennial dumping their toxic ex. “It’s not you, it’s me,” XRP whispers, “I’m into real-world financial systems now, not your hype cycles.” 💔💼
Sui, that most industrious of blockchains, now unveils USDsui-a stablecoin birthed via Bridge’s Open Issuance platform. A bold move, dear reader, to make U.S. dollar-pegged tokens the talk of the town. Alas, one must ask: will this stablecoin quell the chaos of DeFi, or simply add another layer of bureaucratic absurdity? Only time will tell, but the price of speculation is free! 💸
On a Wednesday that shall live in infamy, the decentralized perpetuals exchange Hyperliquid was beset by a tempest of its own making, a deliberate assault upon the fragile edifice of trust by a trader wielding the memecoin POPCAT as a weapon of financial sabotage. 🤑
Currently, it’s bobbing around at a measly $0.17. Do the maths, or don’t bother – it’s approximately a 1,076% increase to reach $2, and a mind-boggling 2,800% jump for $5. Which, naturally, is perfectly reasonable, isn’t it? Everyone knows financial predictions are based on sound logic and not, say, the collective whims of internet enthusiasts.
