Crypto News

They’re now chanting, “DEX or die!” as if centralized exchanges are the new fad diet. 🚨

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Saylor painted Bitcoin’s ascent as a meticulous waltz, not a frantic mosh pit. Traditional market infrastructure, he argued, now cushions Bitcoin’s falls and smoothens its rises. “Bitcoin will grind upward,” he mused, envisioning institutional liquidity deepening like a fine wine 🍷. Volatility, once Bitcoin’s wild companion, is fading as derivatives and hedging tools bring order to its chaos.

Solana, that energetic youth, has had a tumultuous year, yet it persists. The launch of two Solana-based spot ETFs from Bitwise and Grayscale has added a veneer of respectability, as if a beggar suddenly donned a suit. Western Union, that paragon of conservatism, has agreed to use Solana for its USDPT stablecoin, connecting 150 countries. A marvel! Or perhaps a mirage. The price hovers around $185, down 7%, a drop so slight it’s barely worth noting. Analysts, ever optimistic, predict $500 or higher. One can only hope they’re right, or else we’ll all be left with nothing but regret and a 7% loss. 🧊

The structure is labeled in classic Elliott Wave A-B-C form, with the C leg ending in what he calls a “Spring.” The October 10 crash marks the Wyckoff terms the final violent liquidation wick that clears late longs and forces capitulation before the next markup phase. One wonders if the market is merely playing along, or if it’s all just a game of chess with invisible pieces.

NEAR Protocol, darling, was in a financial pickle as tart as a lemon meringue. The network, with the generosity of a spendthrift heir, was lavishing $140 million annually on validators to keep its blockchain humming. Yet, its coffers held a mere $162 million in total value locked, and since its launch in 2020, it had scraped together only $17 million in revenue. Last month’s earnings? A laughable $259,116-hardly enough to cover a weekend in Monte Carlo. 💰

The Facts (allegedly)

Ether decided to moonwalk into a bear trap, then did a backflip to confuse everyone. Volume climbed faster than a caffeinated squirrel on a trampoline. 🐿️🪀

Back in July, when the sun of optimism shone brightly, CoreWeave had promised a dowry of $20.40 per share, a total of $9 billion. Yet, the miners, ever wary of the whims of the market, saw through the glittering facade. The SEC, that watchful guardian of financial order, confirmed the rejection – the requisite votes, like a missing cog in a grand machine, were absent.

This breakdown, my dear, may unleash a torrent of selling from those chart-obsessed traders, pushing poor Bitcoin toward the abyss of $100,000 or lower. And why? Because Jerome Powell, that hawkish darling, downplayed a December rate hike, while the Bank of Japan, ever the dove, weakened the yen. How utterly predictable. 🕊️