Crypto News

During the third-quarter earnings call-a ritual of numbers and promises-Saylor proclaimed, “We have no plans to pursue M&A, even if it glitters like fool’s gold.” He warned that such deals drag on like a Chekhovian drama, stretching “six to nine months, or a year,” only to reveal themselves as less appealing than a stale pirozhok. 🥯

The AFP, in what can only be described as a triumph of human ingenuity, managed to crack a cryptic wallet backup. The treasure? 9 million Australian dollars (or a whopping $5.9 million USD, for those counting in foreign currency). AFP Commissioner Krissy Barrett called it a “miraculous feat” – and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t? The secret? A “crypto safe cracker,” a data scientist so brilliant they’re practically a superhero in the digital underworld.

Well, butter my biscuit and call me impressed. Coinbase just posted a 32% jump in net income, proving that crypto isn’t just a fad-it’s a full-blown circus, and we’re all clowns here. 🤡 With $433M in net profit for Q3 2025 and $1.8B in revenue, they’re out here making Monopoly money look like chump change.

Seems like the markets are sippin’ lemonade on the porch of optimism these days. Traders, once hunched over their screens like worried owls, are now squinting at charts and whispering, “Could this be the start of somethin’?” 📈

Back in the foggy days of October 31, 2008, when the world’s banks were acting like toddlers with big toys, Nakamoto released his manifesto-“Bitcoin: A Peer-to-Peer Electronic Cash System.” Clearly, this was not a bedtime story but the blueprint of an empire. This brilliant paper sketched out a decentralized, peer-to-peer network-proof-of-work, double-spending, and all that jazz-that promised to upend the old guard. Think of it as telling the banks, “Hey, here’s a system that doesn’t need you, and it’s pretty darn popular.”

In the span of 72 hours, the mighty Cardano whales, those titans of the blockchain seas, have unleashed a torrent of sales, offloading their hoards of ADA with the precision of a surgeon’s blade. Thus, a wave of liquidations surged forth, devouring $15.9 million in short positions, as if the market itself were a ravenous beast. 🦁 And lo, the price of ADA, once a proud steed, now gallops on shaky ground, its fate hanging by a thread. 🐎

Oh, and let’s not forget the altcoin staking ETF approval. You’d think that would be a big deal, right? Well, apparently not, because rather than jumping up like it’s New Year’s Eve, Bitcoin and US equities decided to sink instead. How fun. On-chain data suggested institutions were like, “No thanks, we’re good,” and Jerome Powell’s “cautious” tone didn’t exactly fuel any optimism either.

Bitwise’s Matt Hougan, the man of the hour, has taken to the digital streets (aka X) to argue that Solana could very well follow in Bitcoin’s hefty footsteps. And no, he’s not just predicting a modest growth spurt; he’s talking explosive potential. I mean, who doesn’t love a good underdog story? 🐶

Nordea has decided to let its Nordic customers trade this crypto-linked product, which is basically a fancy term for a Bitcoin-backed exchange-traded product. But don’t get too excited yet-this isn’t a free-for-all. Nordea will only be offering it to experienced investors because we all know how easily you can get carried away in the crypto world. 😅

In a LinkedIn post (yes, LinkedIn, the digital drawing room of our age), Leonid Bashlykov, Revolut’s Head of Crypto Product, declared with a flourish, “Today marks the day we remove all anxiety and friction of moving between fiat and crypto.” Oh, Leonid, you’ve outdone yourself! 🎩 He calls it “1:1 Stablecoins by Revolut,” a feature so divine it makes $1 in fiat equal to $1 in digital form. How perfectly delightful! 💃