Oh, what do you know! BitMine, that peculiar treasury wizard in a lab coat, has been sneaking around the crypto jungle, stuffing its pockets with Ethereum like a squirrel hoarding acorns-even as the price of said acorns tumbles below $3,000. How very… strategic.
According to the ever-watchful eye of Lookonchain (who, let’s be honest, probably has a telescope glued to their screen), BitMine gobbled up 32,938 ETH last week. That’s $97.6 million’s worth of digital confetti. Imagine buying that many jellybeans and calling it “long-term exposure.”
The Great Ethereum Stash
But wait! There’s more! BitMine also whispered sweet nothings to the blockchain and staked an extra 118,944 ETH ($352 million). All of this happened in four hours on a Tuesday, which is apparently the most thrilling day of the year-end crypto snooze-fest. The company’s clearly using the market’s holiday hibernation to build a treasure trove so vast, even Scrooge McDuck would ask for a loan.
With a total hoard of 4.07 million ETH (currently valued at $12 billion-though who knows what it’ll be worth by next Tuesday?), BitMine isn’t just staking its claim; it’s staking its entire personality. Chairman Thomas “Tom” Lee, a mustachioed maestro of madness, claims this is all part of a grand plan to “optimize yield” while the rest of us optimize our Netflix queues.
Lee, ever the dramatic genius, revealed they’ve added 44,000 ETH in a week and 77,400 tokens since last Monday. “We’re the biggest ‘fresh money’ buyer in the world!” he declared, as if the universe might suddenly run out of fresh money. And for ten weeks straight, they’ve been buying 40,000 ETH per week. Like clockwork. Or a caffeinated hamster on a wheel.
“BitMine’s sole focus remains creating stockholder value,” Lee proclaimed, “by accretively acquiring ETH per share, optimizing yield on Ether holdings, and strategically investing in ‘moonshots.’” Because nothing says “moonshot” like a spreadsheet filled with numbers and existential dread.
Institutional Flows and Technical Signals
Meanwhile, the bigwigs in the institutional world are playing their part. Tuesday’s net inflows into spot ETH ETFs hit $67.9 million, with Grayscale chomping down $64.2 million like a gluttonous goldfish. And guess what? Ethereum’s relative position against Bitcoin is finally stabilizing after years of limbo. Galaxy Trading, a firm that sounds like it sells telescopes to crypto bros, says momentum is “constructive.” Translation: it’s not terrible. Yet.
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2025-12-31 23:16