Oh. My. Goodness. The crypto market had a minor meltdown 😂 after the Federal Reserve decided to play villain again, whispering scary inflation tales into the night. Bitcoin (BTC), usually the confident It-Girl of crypto, tripped over her own heels and fell to $96,351-like a high school prom queen slipping on a rogue ice cube. Ethereum (ETH)? Down nearly 10% like it forgot to pay its gym membership. Solana (SOL) lost 8.47%, Cardano (ADA) looked tragically confused at $0.523, and Chainlink (LINK) just… sighs $14.47. Stellar (XLM), Litecoin (LTC), and co.? Also sobbing into their wallets. 📉
BTC couldn’t even keep its pants up above $100K as Asian markets yawned awake. The Fed’s hawkish vibes ruined everyone’s day-traders ditched rate-cut dreams faster than a Brit dumps tea for coffee. The Dow and S&P? Down 2% and 1.66% respectively. Tech stocks? Abandoned like a parking ticket on a Friday night. Santiment shrugged: “ETFs lost $963.7M-buyers are ghosts, honey.”
“Whales Are Just Tidying Up,” Says Glassnode, the Eternal Optimist 🙄
Oh, relax! Glassnode insists those BTC whales panic-selling are just “late-cycle profit-takers,” not actual doomsday prophets. Arkham Intelligence spotted trader Owen Gunden moving 2,400 BTC to Kraken-because nothing says “I’m fine!” like dumping a small island’s GDP. But noooo, Glassnode claims this is “normal distribution pressure.” Sure, Jan. 🙄
“Long-term holders are just… uh… organizing their portfolios! Totally not fleeing!”
Bitfarms: From Bitcoin Mines to AI Daycare 🤷♂️
Bitfarms announced they’re pivoting to AI like a midlife crisis CEO. Their Washington mine will become an AI “data center” by 2026-apparently mining BTC is too 2013. CEO Ben Gagnon: “AI’s where the real moolah is! Bitcoin’s just a popularity contest for remote jungles.” Congrats, Bitfarms-you’ve unlocked the “Corporate Reinvention” achievement. 🎉
BTC Price: A Soap Opera of Sadness 📊
Since October, BTC lost $450B-enough to buy Greenland twice. 10x analysts: “Bear market confirmed. Cry here.” Wintermute’s Jake Ostrovskis added: “Traders hate altcoins now. Crypto’s just a sad puppy tied to the Fed’s leash.” Derivatives traders? Buying puts like they’re Black Friday deals. $93K? The last life preserver before the Titanic 2.0 sinks. 💀
Ethereum: $3K? More Like “3K Who’s That?” 😏
ETH’s down 36% from its all-time high, clinging to $3,157 like a toddler on a nap strike. The Crypto Fear & Greed Index? “Extreme fear” mode-AKA the market’s version of a breakup text. ETFs bled $259M Thursday. BlackRock led the exodus like a villain in a rom-com. Trump signed a bill? CPI data delayed. The Fed’s hawkish tweets? Unironically brutal. 🦅
Solana: The ETF Inflow Whisperer 🤫
SOL ETFs got $368M in inflows despite the market’s tantrum. Bitwise and Grayscale are like: “We’ll take that!” But traders? Down 2% at $141. Bitfarms’ CEO probably side-eyes this daily. 🙃
Internet Computer: Rollercoaster or Emotional Breakdown? 🎢
ICP soared 22% to $8.217 Friday-then crashed 15.66% Sunday like a reality check. Monday? Down 9.88%. Hodlers: “Is this a dip or a nosedive?” No answers. Only vibes. 🕸️
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2025-11-14 16:54