The Bachelor Season-Premiere Recap: No Drama Llama

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It’s been quite a challenging period since Jenn’s season finale. The disappointing finale, the disturbing behavior of Devin that shouldn’t have been part of the season at all, the ongoing drama between Jenn and Sasha from Dancing With the Stars, the tumultuous election, and the movie Emilia Peréz… We’ve certainly had our fair share of upheavals. Given all these events, we could use a victory, even a small one. Although I don’t expect another season like Joey’s for some time, or perhaps never again, we need a straightforward, ordinary Bachelor season. And I believe Grant Ellis is the perfect choice to give us an unremarkable and satisfying season. There’s something about Grant that screams “a packet of simple saltine crackers, spent lazily on the couch nursing a hangover.

To be frank, I’m content with that – the year 2025 will mark a decade of me following this extraordinary series, and the constant claims of “The Most Dramatic Finale Yet” have become monotonous. I’ve grown old, I’ve seen better days, I’m worn out. I even set my AI to display an image of Count Orlok as inspiration. The drama is too much for me now. Therefore, a season focusing on “Grant struggling with the slow passage of time” feels like a welcome change. A bachelor who can’t decide feels comfortingly stable. It’s almost nostalgic. In this instance, I choose to step back from the fast-paced world and embrace tradition. A simpleton who can’t seem to make up his mind. America is finding peace.

Let’s get into it.

It appears they’re aiming for a “90s Casual Charm” with the character of Grant, reminiscent of someone who might have been on an episode of Living Single, caught in a love triangle between Khadijah and Regine. He embodies elements of ’90s romance and basketball, as Grant was swiftly eliminated early in Jenn’s season and surprisingly announced in the wee hours of the morning. Due to his premature exit, his introduction package needs to provide a comprehensive backstory.

Grant hails from Houston and has an exceptionally cool sister. He is eager to tie the knot and start a family immediately. Since we never saw his Hometown episode, we meet many of his relatives instead. His parents divorced after 30 years of marriage, and his father is now sober after battling addiction for a long time. In a heart-to-heart conversation with Grant, his dad expresses that Grant will be a better father than he was and acknowledges his uniqueness. It’s hard to believe Marcus advanced further in Jenn’s season than this man! Grant presents his first first-impression rose to his grandmother, who seems only slightly aware of what he’s saying.

It’s clear that Grant is extremely eager to find a partner and start a family. However, these women are only 28, and marrying them at this age would be equivalent to child marriage. As Grant greets Jesse outside the Bachelor mansion, he performs a few dance moves to calm his nerves. If he continues to dance in this shy manner throughout the entire season, it might become difficult to watch. Joey, on the other hand, is the proud owner of the Mirrorball Trophy, which speaks volumes about his dancing skills. He’s a dancer! He either delivers full choreography or vacates the mansion. There’s no time for a 5-6-7-8 count, as the first limousines are already pulling up!

One quick note: The gowns for the opening night are either heavy, sequined structures that likely exceed six pounds or light, silky nightdresses small enough to carry in an evening handbag.

As a passionate cinephile, I can rephrase the given text as follows:

In the grand spectacle that unfolded before me, the first lady to step out of the limousine was named Rose. She appeared ill-prepared for this journey. Yet, there was a certain charm about her, and Grant seemed genuinely smitten by her. Next in line was Litia, a Mormon girl born in Hawaii who offered Grant a rhinestone basketball as a token. Her faith, she declared, served as her compass. I can’t help but think she would make an intriguing addition to the cast of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

J’Nae followed suit, showering everyone with chalk in the air for a pre-game ritual. A bit puzzled by my initial reaction, I had jotted down “Oh wow, she has fake snow!” Only later did I realize that what I saw was actually chalk. She’s a basketball player and as she sauntered away, Grant quipped, “I guess she’s a LeBron fan.”

Parisa graced the stage, with her primary intention being to find a suitable father figure for her beloved pet cat. The confusion in my mind was palpable, but I quickly clarified that she was here seeking a daddy—not for herself, but for her feline friend!

Carolina from Puerto Rico caught my attention right away. She’s one of the frontrunners in my book. As she approached Grant, she asked if he spoke Spanish and proceeded to express her readiness to marry and poke fun at his lack of understanding of the language—all in rapid-fire Spanish. The linguistic challenge this episode presented for Grant was certainly noteworthy. I’d love to see Muzzy step in for a future group date, leading a foreign-language lesson to help our bachelor better communicate with potential suitors.

Fuck Duolingo!

Alli Jo arrives in a Jeep and offers him a pizza, given her New Jersey roots and Italian heritage. Get ready, she’s going to be lively! With an introductory segment comes Dina from Chicago, resembling the Chelsea character from ‘Love Is Blind’, but with a touch of substance. She presents Grant with her hands and mentions that she requires a size-6 ring because people have complimented her on their beauty. In her introduction, she expresses concern about being underestimated as a lawyer due to her gender and attractiveness. Next are Radhika and Allyshia. Allyshia is adorned like a street urchin from ‘Aladdin’, carrying a genie’s lamp. She requests Grant to rub the lamp, and it seems she says, “Make a wish. Our wish might be Grant.” (She could have just said “Granted.”) The punchline is cleverly delivered. Later, a llama makes its way towards the house. Upon seeing this, Grant questions if it’s a donkey. I can’t help but smile at this innocent deception. Introducing Alexe, who grew up on a farm and brings Linda the Llama along. The unexpected twist is that she allows Linda the Llama inside her house! Linda the Llama relaxes throughout the cocktail party, demonstrating her need for rest. (Linda’s bold brows suggest she takes care of her appearance.)

Juliana, who is both Italian and from Boston, is looking forward to an exciting ‘Italian-off’ between her and Alli Jo. However, Grant’s potential trip to Boston is not something I’m eagerly anticipating. I hope Juliana’s family turns out to be welcoming, as the dynamics of this situation could potentially escalate from ‘Hometowns’ to a more complex scenario reminiscent of ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner’.

Moving on, Chloie is a model who proudly embraces her ‘plus-size’ identity, despite the fact that she may actually wear clothes in sizes typically marketed as ‘straight’. In this season of ‘The Bachelorette’, we’ve managed to shatter the traditional perception of what a contestant should look like. Let’s hope for more representation on ‘The Bachelor’ as well.

(For those concerned, I want to clarify that ‘fat’ is used here as a neutral term, and it’s unnecessary to express concerns about the contestants’ appearances in the comments section. It’s possible to be both fat and beautiful at the same time, and it’s interesting to see more diversity on the show.)

Lastly, Bailey is a social-media manager, which is how ‘The Bachelor’ chooses to label an influencer when they want to create the impression that their job is something other than managing their online presence. We’ve already seen all of Bailey’s gimmicks on display so far.

Discussing tricks, it’s time for an entrance scene! Sarafiena carries a large Grant head, oddly enough! Kyleigh, knowing Grant enjoys salsa dancing, offers him a jar of salsa, strangely enough! Neicey is in a lab coat! Kelsey dons a Mrs. Ellis jersey! Savannah presents him with a wedding cake!

In this show, two women who are absolutely stunning make captivating entrances. One of them is Vicky, who carries a “Viva Las Vicky” sign since she’s essentially a hostess and she’s incredibly attractive. Following her is Zoe, who might even be hotter. Wow, this lady is fierce! She enters the scene with a T-shirt cannon that she shoots over the house, almost challenging the other women. This show of power is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Essentially, it’s a woman wielding a cannon, symbolizing her future conquests, aimed at her competitors. Stories from King Arthur’s court could learn a thing or two from this display. Ladies, Zoe is the one to watch out for; she’s the one to beat.

At the cocktail party, Allyshia receives the initial kiss and a crowd of contestants are observing. It seems these women are always hovering around, trying to catch a glimpse of what’s happening. Later, Juliana joins Grant and plays the piano poorly. Her performance is reminiscent of a fourth-grade recital, yet Grant compliments her, saying she has remarkable abilities and is talented. Essentially, he thinks she’s attractive because she isn’t very good. Carolina can’t stop crying, possibly because she suddenly understands that her parents will eventually pass away.

Out of nowhere, a woman in a flexible black gown makes an appearance. Who is this lady? Could she be an old flame or a past Bachelorette? Who knows? When a brief snippet of the woman questioning him about kissing someone played, I realized it was his sister. And I must admit, I’m a bit taken aback that the women didn’t pick up on this sooner, as Grant and his sister Taylor share the same captivating smile. They are remarkably alike. As we didn’t see Grant make it to the top four during Jenn’s season, we’ll now move forward with his Hometown visit if that’s alright. Taylor shares some adorable baby photos and recounts some amusing anecdotes. She used to dress him up as her doll when he was a baby. I can empathize, as I too was told I called my younger brother “my baby” for the initial year of his life because I didn’t grasp that he wasn’t a toy. She chats with groups of the contestants and informs them about Grant’s seven-year, on-and-off relationship. Excuse me — WHAT? She presents it as “When he’s in love, he loves passionately,” but that sounds rather questionable to me. I most certainly need more details. Taylor departs, and Grant is left to handle the first-impression rose.

The twist is that the recipient of the first-impression rose will also get the first one-on-one date. Now, this might seem a bit unexpected to you, The Bachelor. After all, you’ve been following the same format for years. But it seems Alli Jo, Rebekah, and Ella might have some surprises in store as they could be potential traitors, tasked with passing poisoned golden chalices. However, Alexe receives the first-impression rose and a kiss from Grant. Grant admires her work with children and believes she would make an excellent mother. Wow, Grant seems to have formed strong opinions about these women quite quickly!

Tonight, the Rose Ceremony has arrived, and Parisa finds herself regretting her decision to make Grant sit through a PowerPoint presentation earlier. Meanwhile, other contestants like Litia, Rose, Zoe, Ella, Alli Jo, Natalie, Juliana, Vicky, Carolina, Beverly, Bailey, Dina, Chloie, Rebekah, Sarafiena, Allyshia are also present. As the ceremony progresses, it’s Parisa who receives the final rose, leaving her feeling humbled. Kyleigh becomes emotional and expresses pride in herself for how far she’s come; her younger self would be proud. This evening is filled with a significant amount of tears on the first night itself. Jesse escorts Linda out of the mansion as Grant raises a toast with the remaining contestants.

This season on The Bachelor: Oh no! Grant is a singer!!!!

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2025-01-28 19:54