In the unconventional musical biopic of 2024/2025, titled Better Man, where a Computer-Generated Imagery (CGI) chimpanzee portrays the human British pop sensation Robbie Williams, it may not be the most critically acclaimed film, but undeniably, it is the most extraordinary. The plethora of events that transpire involving Chimp Robbie (and the chaos he causes to others) pushes the boundaries of disbelief. Remarkably, the movie manages to captivate audiences. You’ll find yourself empathizing with this ape, even when he quarrels with his girlfriend due to insecurities caused by Oasis. You’ll accept that an ape can not only sniff cocaine, but also mountains of it while evading phone calls from his mother. You’ll believe a chimpanzee can find camaraderie in a human gay club. And you might shed tears when the ape undergoes inner-child therapy in rehab.
Perhaps you require further persuasion. Perhaps, for you, there’s little allure in following the life tale of an unfamiliar character, even if he’s a monkey. Even if this particular monkey sports tattoos, visible through his furry exterior. To help you grasp the captivating essence of “Better Man“, here’s a detailed minute-by-minute account of every event that unfolds within its 135-minute span.
As a dedicated cinephile, I’d like to rephrase that in a more personal and engaging way:
“In my world of cinema, I refer to the chimp version of Robbie Williams as ‘the monkey.’ Now, this might seem unusual since he’s actually a chimpanzee, but it’s a term he himself has endorsed. You see, for him, this character represents the ‘performing monkey,’ the unrefined self he once saw in his life before sobriety – a persona that resonates deeply with me as I follow his journey.
26 seconds: First time someone says “fuck.”
2 minutes: A smoking child tells the monkey, also a child, he’s a nobody.
In a casual, straightforward manner: The very first occasion when the monkey and his father utter their favorite phrase, “Light ’em up!”, as they style their hair. He repeats this line 11 additional times, according to my count.
9 minutes: The monkey’s dad walks out on the family.
12 minutes: The monkey fantasizes about playing a duet with his father, but then realizes he’s all by himself, prompting tears.
12 minutes, 39 seconds: The monkey is now 15 and has a perm.
16 minutes: The monkey auditions for Take That.
24 minutes suggests a scenario where the Take That manager, in a manner reminiscent of TLC, allegedly misused the advance for financial misconduct, essentially stealing from the band.
In a span of 26 minutes, the manager of Take That renames their mascot, previously known as Robert, to Robbie. The band then delivers a performance at a nightclub that caters to the LGBTQ+ community.
31 minutes: A girl gives the monkey a hand job in public, thinking he’s bandmate Gary Barlow.
32 minutes: Take That gets a record deal because hand-job girl’s dad runs RCA.
33 minutes: The monkey hops around London on a pogo stick. He is ironing his hair straight now.
In simpler terms, for about 34 minutes, a mischievous monkey playfully rested its backside on an older woman riding a mobility scooter. Meanwhile, the monkey’s bandmate, Howard Donald, has adopted the hairstyle known as white-boy dreads. (This part is not directly related to the first statement but was included in the original text.)
As a dedicated representative, I enthusiastically share, “For all our cherished followers who appreciate ethnic motifs, we’ve got delightful Take That babushka dolls available!
43 minutes: I marvel at the situation where a monkey’s father secretly brings a girl into his hotel room, only to have an unexpected moment in their bathroom. Later, the father reprimands the monkey for being on Prozac. He wonders aloud, “How is it possible that you don’t recognize yourself with all those people shouting your name?” he asks, expressing his surprise and concern towards the monkey.
In a span of 48 minutes, the monkey was found snorting cocaine in his vehicle, leading to his dismissal from Take That during a band meeting.
50 minutes: The monkey buckles a watermelon safely into his car.
54 minutes: The monkey drowns in a sea of paparazzi (metaphor).
55 minutes: The monkey wears a mouse costume. But he’s not a mouse, he’s a monkey!
59 minutes: The monkey proposes to All Saints’ Nicole Appleton in their candle-filled apartment.
1 hour, 1 minute: Manager of All Saints puts pressure on Nicole Appleton to terminate her and the monkey’s pregnancy.
1 hour, 3 minutes: The monkey undergoes a full-body bleaching process, signaling distress due to his being a monkey and the bleach affecting every hair on his body.
1 hour, 5 minutes: Liam Gallagher jump scare!
1 hour, 10 minutes: The old monkey’s grandmother, who is starting to exhibit symptoms of dementia, confesses that it was actually her who compelled the monkey’s father to reestablish contact with him.
1 hour, 15 minutes: The monkey plays bongos like Jack Quaid in Oppenheimer.
1 hour, 19 minutes: A compilation of triumphant moments, where the monkey overdoses not once but twice, eventually performing a duet with Tom Jones at the BRIT Awards.
1 hour, 23 minutes: I’m informed that the monkey will be the main act at Knebworth, a genuine festival according to Wikipedia.
1 hour, 25 minutes: The monkey’s dad suggests drinking as a way to solve his problems.
1 hour, 27 minutes: The monkey says he’s slept with four of the five Spice Girls.
1 hour, 30 minutes pass: The monkey is engrossed in using heroin, oblivious to the fact that his fiancée has left him.
1 hour, 32 minutes elapsed: As the monkey discovered his cherished grandmother had passed away just prior to performing on Top of the Pops, this underscores the emptiness of stardom.
1 hour, 40 minutes: The monkey finally confronts his dad for being awful.
1 hour, 49 minutes: During the game at Knebworth (if real), the monkey envisions his inner critic as every past version of himself. In an epic battle royale, The Other Monkeys challenge him. One monkey is skinless and carries a massive mace; it’s quite reminiscent of Dark Souls.
1 hour, 49 minutes, 59 seconds: The monkey stabs his child self to death, and I cried again???
1 hour, 51 minutes elapsed: A divine intervention occurs as the spirit of the monkey’s grandmother from above manifests as a ray of sunshine, halting his attempted suicide midway.
1 hour, 53 minutes: The monkey kicks heroin.
1 hour, 54 minutes: The monkey attends an AA meeting. “I’m unevolved,” he shares.
In about 1 hour and 55 minutes: The monkey gets a meaningful trim, but only his head; unlike the time he dyed his fur blonde, he doesn’t shave his entire body.
1 hour, 58 minutes: The monkey does the ninth step of a 12-step program, making amends.
In exactly 2 hours and 2 minutes, the monkey performs a duet with his father on stage at the Royal Albert Hall. He manages to reconcile with his internal self-doubt monkeys, causing me to cry yet again.
2 hours, 7 minutes: The monkey says the last line of the film, “Fuck yourselves.”
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2025-01-15 17:54